WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Delores Delgado, Under Assistant Secretary for the Obvious today held a joint news conference with NIH director Dr. Gary Carey, to announce results of a five year research project many found alarming and disturbing.
Per the $180 Million study, it appears that people don’t enjoy being without jobs, and are highly pissed about it, at a factor of four to one. Demographicologists agree, that’s a higher ratio than dead people voting in Chicago.
Said Ms. Delgado, “This data reveals what none of us anticipated. Unemployed people seem to want jobs, for some crazy reason. But we’re winning their hearts and minds; we’re making progress. Recent polls indicate twelve percent of formerly jobless machinists are now Wal-Mart greeters.”
The Under Assistant Secretary’s statements were taken as a positive sign on Wall Street. Zen master of arbitrage Gordon Gecko said, “They still don’t get it? People, let’s roll!”
Stocks closed sharply higher, with Naiveté futures beating the Dow Jones and NASDAQ averages.
The encouraging news was mixed with a note of somber caution as Dr. Gary Carey took the podium.
“First, I’d like to thank all of you journalists who temporarily have employment, for coming here today. See that woman who spoke before me? She’s either agendized past the point of no return, or so stupid a border collie could play a joke on her.”
To illustrate his point, Dr. Carey encouraged Under Assistant Secretary Delgado to ‘Go get the ball’ while he was hiding said ball under his shirt.
“While she’s gone, and she’ll probably figure it out in a few minutes, let’s get real kids. Yeah, jobless people are frustrated, spent five years of my life delivering that pabulum. Look here? Civil unrest is coming. Those of you who’ll still have jobs will have much to report in 2011, trust me.
How did I get to this point in my life? I was doing important research at MIT, but my wife needed a bone marrow transplant, and the money. So here I am working for these simps. Somebody, please shoot me?”