OTTAWA, ON – After winning a lengthy legal battle for the right to keep exotic cougars on his property in rural Ontario, Buford Starwarrior was mauled to death by a 125-pound animal.
Starwarrior, a 26-year-old shut-in and aspiring comic book artist who lived in his parent’s basement, legally changed his last name from Johnston last year. He was found dead beside a pile of first edition Hulk comics, wearing a blood-spattered Superman cape and Star Wars Stormtrooper helmet. Investigators said he died as he lived – a consummate virgin.
“He had gone in to feed the cougar and possibly had been attacked,” Abner Johnston, Starwarrior’s father, said. “There were no witnesses that we know of. His mother found him dead next to a box of unopened condoms.”
“We don’t know what may have provoked or caused the attack,” he added.
“The cougar is a particularly dangerous beast,” Detective Che Buffston told reporters. “A 35- to 45-year-old female who is on the ‘hunt’ for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. She may be found in the usual hunting grounds: nightclubs, bars, beaches, etc. She won’t play the usual B.S. games that women in their early twenties participate in. End state, she’ll be going for the kill, which is what we got here today. Poor kid.”
Cougars, once regarded as stealthy and inconspicuous predators, seem to have expanded their territorial stalking grounds. “As we encroach on their natural environment, they inevitably learn to survive in ours,” Buffston continued. “As it stands now, man is the cougar’s number one prey.”
Police speculate that Starwarrior, as so many others on safari, simply ventured into a situation he was ill-equipped and poorly trained to handle.
“These beasts know exactly what they want and how to get it,” Buffston said. “You can’t tame them, you can’t domesticate them. They always revert back to their feral instincts. Happens around age 30. And it just gets worse. Clearly, young Mr. Johnston could not satisfy the cougar’s cravings. More than a lack of eager willingness, we usually chalk this up to lack of experience. It takes a lot of stamina to handle an aging cougar.”
Alcohol can sometimes help, experts claim, but skill, endurance and physical strength are the only proven methods for temporarily subduing cougars.
“He thought he could keep her,” Starwarrior’s father said. “But it was obvious that he was out of his depth. He wasn’t willing to let her go, but you just can’t keep animals like this in a good home. Look at what happened to Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton and Steve Anderson. Even Jennifer Aniston. A cougar attack takes a mighty big toll.”