HOLLISTER, CA — A group of British executives representing 11 Hollister Co. stores in the United Kingdom suffered through a horrific 48-hour ordeal when they accidentally traveled to Hollister, California, mistaking it for the origin of the eponymous clothing brand.
“Instead of landing in a West Coast surfer’s paradise,” lamented Hugh Humbert-Lardwick, a regional vice president from Bristol, “we found ourselves roaming the streets of a town straight out of Lovecraft. Creepy backwoods people, twisted homes, uneven streets that led nowhere. It was just awful.”
Hollister is well-known among geologists as one of the best examples of aseismic creep anywhere in the world, which accounts from the nightmarishly contorted architecture of its homes. Streets crossing the fault in Hollister show significant offset, and several houses sitting atop the fault are notably mangled (yet habitable, according to residents). The city attracts geologists and geology students almost weekly. The city, however, does not attract fashionistas.
Know for being “out in the middle of nowhere,” Hollister is the birthplace of the violent American biker movement, which began inauspiciously with a riot in 1947. Hollister also enjoys a rich farm and ranch heritage, evident by the presence of the Haybaler, the unnerving mascot of Hollister’s only high school.
“The local Target store is probably the most ‘hip’ place in town,” said a visibly shaken Amelia Snipes, a marketing professional from the Liverpool office. “A rabble of soiled, wild children semi-jokingly refered to it as their mall.”
“How could this miserable place have been the inspiration for the Hollister brand?” asked Humbert-Lardwick, clearly struggling through a crisis of faith. “Hollister stores, as a policy, play alternative rock and pop music at 80 to 85 decibels. The only music played on Hollister [California] radio stations are Spanish and Country – sometimes together. Ninety decibels, at least!”
“The entire city is landlocked,” noticed Humbert-Lardwick’s personal assistant, speaking with her face buried in her trembling hands. “It’s miles from the ocean. There’s not a surfboard in sight. But there are plenty of buckboards.”
During the second day, one of the stranded executives managed to get cell phone reception long enough to place a frantic call to the Southern California headquarters of Abercrombie & Fitch, which owns the Hollister brand.
After dispatching a snooty store associate to rescue the visiting U.K. brass, a marketing team from the U.S. offices explained that Hollister Co. is actually nothing more than a wondrous store where aimless suburbanites in landlocked cities across America can spend hundreds of dollars on faux surfwear, jeans pre-shredded by underage shop workers in Saipan, and mass-produced “vintage” shirts.
“It’s a good thing the brand was not based on the city we saw. Otherwise, I can only imagine that the Drift and Epic fragrances would have carried the scents of cow shit and epic failure,” a more jovial Humbert-Lardwick said after the meeting, unaware that to most consumers Drift and Epic smell exactly as he described.
Worried that other employees or customers might follow in the Brits’ footsteps and plan fashion pilgrimages to Hollister, Calif., Abercrombie & Fitch have filed suit in California Superior Court to force the town to legally change its name. Experts believe the company has a strong case and is likely to win. Proposed alternative names offered by the city’s mayor include Banana Republic, Gap, Aeropostale and Wet Seal.
“Given the amount of seismic activity in Hollister,” said Mayor Victor Gomez, “it looks like we may end up going with Gap.”
Pretty sure my town of Hollister existed first, change your brand name, you ass clowns!
The town exsisted before he even knew it was on the map!!
wow,what an idiot.
This pisses me off I ha e lived in yhis town all my life and the guywho said all that can kiss my country @$$ as for the owner of that clothing line you are ugly and your cloths suck..
im originally from hollister california, and i take pride in where i came from even though i moved away when i was only a couple months old (14 now). so who the hell are these ppl to judge a town when they dont know a damn thing about it, these snooty ass ppl need to go back to hollister california and apologize to the town for being so immature, and they’re adults, so they need to start acting like one
What the heck… are you serious??? OMG. Hollister is super cute and a great place to live/visit with wonderful kind people. I can’t believe these idiots worked themselves up so much they actually thought Hollister was a nightmare. I guess if I worked myself up as much as they did, I would think Hawaii was hell. The beach is 20 minutes away, San Jose is 40 minutes away, Garlic capital of the world- 15 minutes away (and there is a pretty big mall there too). BTW London is a scary, crappy city if you ask me. Sorry but in London you Brits have us beat on weirdo’s! You guys need to take a serious look in the mirror because anyone that can work themselves up like that… in a safe place.. is a weirdo to me.
The first comments from Hollister residents are prob the reason why someone took the time to write this FUNNY (but fake) article. FYI I live in Hollister and I’m British, if you took the time to read some real articles you’d find out British have better teeth than Americans who are ranked waaaaaay down the list.
Keep your british ###s out of the us. And diffently away from hollister. There not even worth being smacked for being that stupied.
Dumbasses? Who? The person who made up this story or the person who thinks it’s real. Tsk, tsk Claire Marie.
Dumbasses. The store wasn’t even named after the town, it was named after the Hollister Ranch in Santa Barbara. These executives aren’t very bright, obviously. And good luck getting a town that has been here for over a century to change its name.
I tink its a little rediculous how the executives were portrayed, “shaken”, “trembleing”, I mean honestly give me a break. I love the Holister brand company dont get me wrong. But if an executive is visble shaken by a visit to a town that is in the middle of nowhere and are filled with a bunch of hicks. Then sta in your little escalade and drive on through to the nearest highway. And if it took them two days to realize that then all I have to say is, WOW!!!
Dude…… Go back where you came from, we don’t need you, and take all those other sissies with you!!!!!
go on all you hollisterites. make me proud of my hometown by acting like a bunch of fools insulting and lashing out over this silly article. clearly, it is not hollister the town’s fault and the joke is on the company. but really…must we be so shamefully immature?
Having been born and raised in Hollister CA, I would like to say:
It IS a shithole. It’s a po-dunk, middle of nowhere place with nothing to do, with a HAYBALER for our mascot. Indeed, it’s quite laughable, and normally I’d join in on how funny the small town must look to everyone else.
However:
The ignorance of this whole article blows my Goddamn mind, and the “Creepy backwoods people” (who I would rarely defend might I add), somehow come out smarter than the idiots who didn’t do their proper research before being stuck in a place, and Hollister Ca was around BEFORE those Hollister Co. Twats. The egg is on your face my friends, and by the way, your clothing line is stupid.
This is ridiculous. Hollister has been around far longer than the clothing company. And some people on here are saying that we don’t refer to Target as our mall… Dunno, who you guys are kidding lol. All of us high schoolers and college students do >.> 🙂 And besides that, what does the British have anything to do with American cities names?
If we ever paid attention to what the British told us to do, we would still be paying our taxes to them…Remember who won the Revolution people. These individuals are full of themselves. Have them change their stupid company’s name. Which by the way their product could easily be turned away if they do not have better respect for the name they stole!!!! Just saying….
Well whoever said this was not real,maybe you better take another peak at the top and i quote “Inspired by actual events” I don’t see anywhere that reads this was a joke.
We may not have our surf boards taking center stage on our porches, but we are so much closer to the beach than you are, learn to calculate distance, LOL…Our farms may smell of manure and garlic at times, but we are NOT A STORE! WE ARE A …VERY PROUD SMALL TOWN TIGHT KNIT AGRICULTURE TOWN NOT FAR FROM THE BEACH, WHERE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW & CARE ABOUT YOUR NEIGHBORS! OUR FASHION STYLE IS DIVERSE! WE CAN WALK OUT OF OUR HOUSE AROUND TOWN IN WRANGLERS AND ROPERS, MAYBE IF YOUR LUCKY SOME HOLLISTER & AMBERCROMBIE, THEN PUT ON ARE MANILLO BLANICS OR JIMMY CHO’S WHILE STRUTTING DOWN MAIN STREET IN OUR CHANEL DRESS! WITHOUT OUR MANURE & GARLIC SMELLING TOWN, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE THE FINEST INGREDIANTS IN YOUR FOOD TO WINE AND DINE IN YOUR SNOOBBY ASS RESTURANTS.
FURTHER MORE OUR TOWN WAS HERE FIRST! FYI YOU UK BRASS, I WORK FOR YOUR LARGEST COSMETIC, SKIN CARE AND PHARMACUTICAL COMPANIES AND I AM FROM HOLLISTER THE TOWN!
Holy shit. For a second I thought this was real. And I said to myself, “how the fuck did they find us?” but then my brain started doing that thinking thing and I thought this was hilarious. People who replied who didn’t get the joke are making us Hollister people look like retards. We all went to the same high school didn’t we? Oh that’s right we did, the satirist did his research on us, you people should learn how to write the English language with a better medium then a text message. Hollister is awesome, unless your sober. Then its boring and beautiful. Which isn’t bad. So way to go average Hollister fuck-tards for making us look like a bunch of low class retards.
It’s funny how people think this is actually real. I mean seriously? At the top of the page it tells u it’s not completely true. People need to read all the info before making everyone in my poor little hometown look dumb.But what I really don’t understand is why people leave comments saying it’s a hick town full of idiots. I mean it’s boring at times but u don’t have to go far to have fun. It’s just like a regular town with regular people (who the majority of love the store Hollister). I mean i live in Hollister and I live in a two story house, in a neighborhood, with paved roads. And even if this article was true I would still be proud of where I grew up. Haybalers ftw!!
Gullible, thy name is David Crowther. Even after posters let on that it was all a joke, you still made that moronic post.
I don’t think “geologists” was the word you were looking for there…
oh my gosh. hahahahaha
Love this article. Hollister really is a shit hole. And yes, a lot of the people that live there are complete idiots, as seen by the previous replies to this obviously made up “news” article.
Made me literally crack up reading this piece. Good work.
This was satire. Don’t take it personally; British people like to make jokes this way and they think it’s really funny when we “yanks” don’t get it. They then feel superior, “smart,” and acquire a raging hard-on if they are male. They smile large, toothless grins and perhaps will use their mangled mouths to fellate one another in celebration of their superior culture.
Hahahahahahahahahaha, this is sooooo damn funny. Also come on people, you’re making Hollister look bad by thinking this is real, I mean really, reread the last few sentences; if you can’t tell that it’s a joke, I’m sorry, but you’re idiots, haha.
This is the funniest lampoon about Hollister that I’ve read in a long, long time. Reminds me of Jon Stewart meets Bob Valenzuela with the predictably hilarious results. And, of course, there is more truth to it than fiction. Most locals struggle with a love-hate relationship with Hollister/San Benito County. We love the weather, geology and pastoral environment. We hate that there is nothing to do, zero entertainment, nowhere to shop and no really good restaurants. San Benito County is very much like Silicon Valley was 75 years ago. But if you want some culture, besides agri-culture, you have to go to Monterey, San Jose or beyond.
Thanks for the big laugh BC Bass! See you at the San Benito County Fair because the Biker Rally is still canceled.
The first few replies to this are almost as funny as the article itself! Stephanie and Renee are SO stupid they think this article is real? They just got trolled hard.
Wow i completely agree with stephanie. Hollister is such a cute little town and it does not deserve to be ripped apart like that. Seriously, “creepy backwoods people”? Hollister should sue these Britich people for writing a “horrific”, biased article that slanders our city. They sound like the most high-meaintenanced people i have ever heard of and they shoudld never come back to the United States, without doing research. Who just comes to a random city without researching it?! Who does that? And obviously they found their way into Hollister, so they could have found their way out. And there is nothing wrong with our cell phone reception. Maybe they should get rid of their crappy British cell services. I found this articel to be completely ridiculous and I am really offended. Hollister should sue the Brits, or sue the company back. Either way, we are not changing our name for these ridiculous, rude people. I’ve never heard of such a thing.
To you ignorant British assholes that basically called my town a hell hole can go fuck yourselves. Just because we don’t live in the laps of luxury like you do doesn’t mean we are lower beings than you. Next time do some research before coming to a place you don’t know you ignorant pricks! Oh, and sorry if the atmosphere was too free for you, you uptight jerkoffs.
And to the Hollister store, I have just this to say: go fuck yourselves. Hollister the city has been around a lot longer than you have, so back the fuck off. You have less right to the name than the town itself does. Besides, your brand is crap anyways.
It’s always the same picture on every freaking shirt you idiots!!!
There’s nothing cool about it!!! It looks retarded if you ask me!
What a load of crap. They are just mad that they work for a loser company with no basis for reality and their feelings are hurt.
I’m from Hollister, CA and I LOVE THIS!!! This is the most hysterical post I have ever read on our town…please continue to write BC Bass!! Awesome news coverage…hahahaha!!! I posted it on my facebook and everyone LOVES it!! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE GREAT LAUGHS!!! And love the photo of the children of the corn!! 🙂
I can tell that people who respond to this article and actually think that it is a true story are probably the same idiots who live in that back-water hick-ass town. I spent about 7 years in that hell hole.
Not much better are the Hollister clothes. I took one look around in the store, got lost inside, and left that mall forever. It was like a nouveau Halloween haunted house, with bad boy-band music and homoerotic photos of men (not wearing to much Hollister clothes) blown up to 300 times life size. Other than the lighting on the huge photos, the place is utterly pitch black (probably to hide the fact that the clothes are hideous) with no clear aisles to guide you. And, the place stinks to the heavens of some (probably overpriced) cologne. I wandered around in there for 15 minutes (2 minutes of clothes shopping and 13 minutes of trying to find the exit) when I panicked and tried to call for help. Unfortunately the shitty music was so loud that no one heard me. When i finally stumbled out of there, wheezing and coughing, ears ringing, and in a daze, I ran out and never looked back.
first of all, just let me say, WTF? who the hell do these fn idiots think that they are? they come into OUR town, get lost for 48 hours? what a bunch of @$$holes! i mean seriously, i think the fumes from their own breath made them lose conciousness! the town of HOllister has been here for 100’s of years, the t-shits have only been around a few years. you change your name get off your fn high horse, go back to where ever it is the hell you came from. you are condesending bunch of pricks. too bad our city didn’t get hit w/a big earthquake while you were here and the earth didn’t swallow you up. just because we are a small town, does not make us small town hicks. we stand up for ourselves, so don’t F w/us.
What asinine idiots must have shown up in Hollister, CA. They probably showed their stupidity immediately by not even knowing where they were going. Hollister, CA has been here for many years. It’s not one your larger cities, and we don’t have a lot of industry. But what we do have are good people. Not idiots who can’t even find their way out of town But being from Britain might be a good excuse. And we do have excellent dentists here, if you Brits have ever heard of dentists. Hollister, CA has been here and thrived, and the homes are not “mangled” Wonderful wineries, small shops. We may not have a mall, but we have a hometown, and that is something I’m sure you so called “executives” don’t understand. We are close to the ocean, the mountains, beautiful nature, hiking, shopping and we don’t need it sitting on the front porch. You not only sound entirely ignorant, but you give your company and the word “executives” a very bad name. Or perhaps in Britain, you are considered executives. Nah, just a bunch of idiots.
Now after reading this, and giving it considerable thought, about 10 minutes, I have concluded that the Brits are still, and always will be pompus, condensending, ass’es. With bad teeth, poor dental hygene, and really messed up hair. I have to say that if they truely were big shot company esec’s, I wouldn’t think their company is going to thrive very long. With decision making like they made, traveling to a foreign land, without doing their homework, I just have to think their decision making skills at the company level arn’t much better. Now, for Brittan, I have been there many years ago. It is a drab, very dirty place. The smell of sod ladden fields, and woman with unshaven legs, and arm pits, you know that European thing, made me want to vomit. As for the lawsuit, well there happens to be 13 other towns in the United States named Hollister. Shouldn’t they be suid too? hmmm maybe they could sue Hollister Idaho population 249. Sure hey lets do a counter suit, and sue the company for using a tradmarked name without permission! What a bunch of dumb ass’es. Go back to britten and pick your teeth with a car key some more, you limey bastard’s. And for the gal with her head in her hands trembling, go shave your legs, and other body area’s that need it for god sake. But leave the people of Hollister alone, they just go to work everyday and try and scrape out a living. Or is your cheap clothing line failing so badly now due to cheap crap, people have discovered this and arn’t buying your shit anymore you have to sue some town, hope to win, get some money, reinvest back into your failing company. (another poor decision) So you go ahead back to Britten now, and go stump train your horse a little better, you pompus condensending limey bastards.
I am glad the snutty British don’t like Hollister. Here is my answer to you Welcome to Hollister now go home. Hollister Co. are the theives for using our name. Hollister is the birth place of the American Biker, warm and welcoming people to people who are warm and welcoming. Hollister is a great place to live, a place that is rich in History. Too bad the snutty Snipes did come down off the throne long enough to learn that. Here is my advice to you, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Prick.I hate this town just as much ,but not on bases of that its a dirt old ragged town.This place has so much to offer wineries of some of the best wine in the U.S. that could be heard by any wine expert. This place has sites that you could never see or experience in any place ,but here the pinnacles,Farms market, and the older folk who aren’t rich who live their life here every day working. Now prick i hope that a respectable executives would understand that your just another ignorant foreigner from any where else that doesn’t understand that American is also can be a simple home founding place to live where it is more than the eye can see.
I must say that I have to agree with Stephanie. Clearly Hollister, CA is a Wonderful Home to all who live here. Even the SILICON VALLEY EXECUTIVES love this location. Our community is alive and local. Some due line dance and others do mosh. We do travel to the malls and I can assure you that we definitly pass up the stores which you have created as we don’t purchase cheap fabric at a high price. I personally would rather make my own T-Shirt to read HOLLISTER and pay nothing. It would also last longer than the $30 I would have to spend at your store for a freakin tank top. I would much rather by FOX gear which is more expensive and go riding at one of the best Recreational Parks in the state. You British executives are probably very savy, egotistical, and unsecured people. Hollister, The City of Hollister, has been on the map for hundreds and hundreds of years. Your fathers and fathers before that are probably turning in their graves at the way you people have turned out to be. The City of Hollister has so much more history than what you are trying to create and accomplish. Unfortunately we now have a store named after our Beautiful town with some very unfortunately breed people who appear to be running it and hopefully into the ground. I will close this with a prayer for Hugh Humbert-Larddick and all who may come in contact with his spoiled mind. May God save you soon!
Oh ya and for being executives at Hollister Co, your not that smart if it took you 48 hours to get out of Hollister. Wow I hope US executives are smarter than these idiots!
This is the most rediculous thing I have ever heard! Who the hell is this British guy think he is talking about Hollister, Ca like that. I sure don’t believe our town should have to change it’s name because some stupid clothing company has our same name. Do your research before you go somewhere you idiot! If you would have, you would have seen that we are not by the ocean! Duh!! Change your clothing company’s name!! Hollister is not a bad place and you are trying to give it a bad name. I don’t know who this guy talked to, but noone thinks that Target is our mall. That’s insane! Yes our town is small, but it’s not that far to travel anywhere. To say they were stranded out here is ridiculous. You obivously got here in a car from the airport, so you very easliy could have left. Also we do not just get Spanish radio stations and country. You obviously were only listening to those stations. We get every kind of station. You also were obviously in the wrong area for cell phone service too. There is so much more to Hollister than these idiots saw or expirenced. Wow some people are seriously pathetic!!!