MORRISTOWN, NJ—On Tuesday, the makers of popular headache relief medicine Aleve were proud to announce their new product made specifically for family gatherings.
“We just asked ourselves, ‘Can’t there be a way to not hate every moment of every holiday that social obligation basically forces you into?’ So here it is.”
Test subjects in the simulation of a Thanksgiving family meal reported remarkable differences such as less awareness of their temple throbbing, as well as neither finding themselves with their hands formed into fists nor realizing a tension in their jaws from clenching their teeth.
RIGHT: Photo by zzzack via Flickr. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)
“That intense pulse that I get in my eyeball when my dad tells me how long I should have been married by my age is about half as bad now,” reported a satisfied subject.
Researchers explained that the pill is designed with a fast-acting outer layer for the outset of family get-togethers which relieves discomfort associated with greetings that have veiled insults, back-handed compliments and general malaise that accompanies being in the presence of loved ones.
The inner, long lasting part of the pill is designed to suppress feelings of self-loathing that often occur after such gatherings which are linked to questioning the progress of one’s career, relationships and the comparison between one and one’s sibling who is the embodiment of perfection.
“I only thought about killing myself twice this year. Twice!” reported another satisfied and enthusiastic test subject. “It was the best Christmas ever!”