America’s iconic symbol of 1970’s sexual excess, who’s had more you know what than a porta-potty seat at Bonnaroo, if you know what I mean, today announced a new joint venture with ‘Magnum PI’ alum Tom Selleck.
Clinics will be established across the United States, to aid aging baby boomer males who can’t grow a decent moustache without professional help. Speaking to reporters, Reynolds said, “Yeah, whatever. Could be some money in it, we’ll see, huh? Ride it as long as it’s fun, just like Dolly Parton.”
Actor Tom Selleck was vigorous in wrestling the microphone from Reynolds, apparently due to his passion to speak of the new business. “A lot of men, as they age, their facial hair loses softness. We Hollywood types, we’ve long known the secrets, since Claude Rain’s pioneer breakthrough, how to do an appealing moustache. Burt and I are now offering this knowledge to all middle aged men, for a very affordable monthly price.”
Mr. Selleck’s remarks were briefly interrupted while business partner Burt Reynolds shouted, “Hey? Tell ‘em about Miss Costa Rica 1986 and how you used your moustache that time!”
After Mr. Reynolds learned the press event was an ‘open bar’, he left and allowed Tom Selleck to continue. “We plan infomercials late at night. That’s when sales resistance is lowest for our target market individuals. Viagra, Cialis, and that other thing too. What is up with that commercial where the couple are in his & hers bathtubs holding hands, about 100 feet from a large body of water? But anyway? None of these male aphrodisiacs are valuable, if a man isn’t attractive. Central to a man’s sexual allure is his moustache. Burt and I are offering, to all baby boomer males, for a nominal monthly fee, aid in having a moustache just as fetching as ours. Viagra is worthless, unless you have a sexy moustache.”
The press conference ended abruptly then. Burt Reynolds shouted from the bar, “Hey? Tell ‘em how Lynda Carter REALLY got that ‘Wonder Woman’ name, how ‘bout it Tom?”
Tom Selleck, I have something to say,
you have the best legs in the whole of L.A!
But as for your tache, its kind of a thick,
I hope you don’t mind as I’m taking the mick!
That’s the biggest moustache, that I’ve ever seen,
if it gets any bigger, you’ll need to dry clean!
How did you get it, to grow to that size,
did you compete, for that elusive first prize!
You could save on some clothing, by letting it flow,
a warp and a weft, boy watch that weave grow!
Have you ever considered, the use of a loom,
perhaps even blow dry and create a big plume!
It looks very interesting and quite mystique,
that big fluffy moustache, under your beak!
It’s a nice shade of brown, that matches your mop,
exactly what month, do you harvest this crop!
It resembles a big, weeping willow,
that must take up, at least half of your pillow!
Now what would you say, if I asked you for some,
would it be “err” or would it be “um”?
My request sounds odd and really quite strange,
but please understand, as I suffer from mange!
I’ll stick a dod here and a wee bit there,
if the colour is good, it will blend with my hair!
So the next time you trim, please send me the snippings,
a large tub of glue and two bags of them clippings!
So if it is possible, for this request to come true,
could you perhaps add, an extra large tube of glue!
NO OFFENCE INTENDED – Kuriouscat.