WASHINGTON, D.C. (Glossy News) — Last December, following a foiled terrorist airline attack, airports implemented full body scans, prompting many air travelers to wonder what additional security procedures they would have to endure. The wondering can stop. Yesterday, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced a comprehensive battery of new health care-friendly airport screenings. In addition to full body scans, air travelers will now be able to get free CAT scans, MRIs, dental cleanings and even yearly physicals while going through security.
At a press conference held in JFK International Airport’s B Terminal, DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano applauded the new measures as “a step forward for both millions of air travelers and millions of uninsured Americans.” After speaking at the security checkpoint, Napolitano demonstrated the new screening procedures by undergoing a colonoscopy.
Republicans decried the new measures as weakening national security instead of strengthening it. “What if a terrorist hijacker gets a debilitating kidney stone?” argued minority leader John Boehner on Sunday’s Meet The Press. “Normally, that would keep him from completing his mission; now he’s going to get his stone blasted by the TSA — the Democrats are going to cure him while he’s waiting for his flight!”
When asked to comment on Boehner’s remarks, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi dared the Republican leadership to try to block the measures. “I’d like to see them undermine their own war on terror while depriving millions of travelers of free H1N1 vaccines,” she challenged. “And don’t forget, the midterms come during the height of flu season.” As Pelosi left the podium, she reportedly mumbled, “Public option, you are cleared for takeoff.”