The Prosperity Preschool

About this time last year, I found myself confronted with a daunting task: enrolling my son in a preschool. As all American parents know, it’s a choice upon which a child’s entire future can hinge, and requires diligence, focus, and tenacity.

I should say that I needed to enroll him in a new preschool, since, like any high-achieving three year-old, he was already attending school, and since, as with the previous schools, the current one wasn’t quite working out. Let’s say it was a disaster. Yes, the teachers were nice, the students too, but their values were utterly un-American.

My research and interviews yielded nothing promising, so I took a leap. Inspired by some courageous Republican Congressmen, and their vision for a prosperous nation ala Americans for Prosperity, I have founded a truly American preschool for the 21st century.

The Prosperity Preschool (now in session) prepares children for success in the increasingly competitive global marketplace. Our first objective, as anyone who’s read a newspaper recently would expect, is to get America’s kids ahead of the Chinese; we can’t prepare to beat back an emerging superpower—with four times our population—with a curriculum of songs and snacks. Our kids will have to out-think and out-work them, and The Prosperity Preschool will make sure they can.

I have seen the socialist agenda of America’s preschools, and it makes me fear for our future. Sharing? I’d call it teaching kids to disrespect property rights. Co-operation? Undermines their natural competitiveness. Taking turns? How about earning your turn—would that be so wrong? All of these—and more—are a recipe for a massive welfare state; add to it the current obsession with “play-based” learning (teaching kids to think socialism is fun), and you can see where we’re headed: Chinese entrepreneurs will be plunking down factories here like laundromats, paying our kids minimum wage to make cheap clothes for their Wal-Marts.

Of course, this educational philosophy dates to the New Deal, and has come to its fullest fruition under our foreign-born President. The Prosperity Preschool categorically rejects it and returns us to our roots, teaching the core values that our Founding Fathers spelled out in the Constitution: 1.) Profitability; 2.) Job Creation Through Lower Taxes; 3.) American Excellence.

Like any top-flight school, we maintain the highest standards; each quarter, teachers conduct profitability analyses to meticulously track students’ progress. (Goldman Sachs has generously provided us with broker-teachers and funded their salaries. Great cost-savings for us, great PR for them!) A student’s profitability is rated by his ability to successfully (among others): color precisely within the lines; line up quickly, alphabetically, and silently; produce letters and numbers in a legible and standardized handwriting.

Students ranking in the top 1% of profitability (our Top Tier kids) are awarded first choice of toys during break time, as well as the option to partake of other students’ lunch. The parents of these students receive a 50% tuition reduction (the generously-endowed Boehner-Ryan scholarships). The students in the bottom 50% will find their tuition doubled. We know this may disappoint those of the free school lunch philosophy, but The Prosperity Preschool is committed to a real-world classroom environment. Studies show that profitability is strongly linked to familial traits. Parents of our Top Tier students are exceptionally profitable themselves, and thus the very Job Creators that keep our less profitable students’ parents employed in the first place. We believe in incentives, not entitlements; competition, not class warfare.

We must remember, however, that an intellect without character is worth nothing. To this end, we instill the values of self-sufficiency and personal responsibility. Before snack, lunch, and Fox News break, each student must complete a chore to keep our classrooms neat. Our Top Tier students, however, may delegate their chores to other, less profitable students. Studies show that freedom from such tasks promotes increased creativity and industriousness among Job Creators, which is essential to the entire school’s continued growth and success.

For budgetary (and frankly, ethical) reasons, we have elected to forgo employing a school nurse. Instead, each student receives a block grant of band-aids at the beginning of each quarter, with clear written instructions on their use. Those who need more are welcome to bring extras from home.

Applications are now being accepted for next school year; competition for spaces in our pilot school will again be fierce. Soon enough, however, a Prosperity Preschool will be in every neighborhood in America, promising us all a brighter future.