NEW HAVEN, CT In a move that some disgruntled faculty equate with a capitalistic effort to cut costs, Yale University will outsource its entire undergraduate educational system (collectively known as Yale College) to Singapore’s National University beginning Fall quarter 2013.
Citing spiraling education costs, Yale’s College president, R. Cheney said in a press conference held in Singapore that “the university will begin an ‘experiment’ in 2013 to see if a quality education can still be produced at an 80% reduction in costs.”
He defined these costs as a professor’s salary and any attendant costs such as housing, educational materials and transportation. He said “We’ve had a lot of discussion groups, and a lot of people have stated, ‘it’s a real concern.'”
Tenured professors expressed split emotions on the shift, noting that they would still be kept on at full salary, but without the hassle of “actual students” present to educate and upon whom to make sexual advances, whether welcome or otherwise.
Citing the emergence of a much better educated Asian American population, Cheney continued “We thought that since tens of thousands of young Asians are now dominating the American education scholarship money market, why not send all our American students to Asia and take advantage of their currently empty classrooms and inexpensive training program — don’t forget that this will be an education with the Yale logo attached. Our thinking is that if we can educate our students and save 65% of our costs, then we, as an American corporation, will be a blinding example of success to the bankers on Wall Street. This will automatically increase our corporate profit coffers by millions, dare I say, tens of millions a year.”
Cheney continued, “my good friends at Halliburton have expressed a deeply sincere interest in an exclusive sponsorship of this educational program. They are ready to deploy any transportation services necessary to transfer the thousands of American students that want to be Yale graduates and study in Singapore. This will be supplied at cost by Halliburton.”
He continued his remarks on the Halliburton involvement. “These selfless folks are ready to deploy all their types of expertise of transporting, housing and feeding massive numbers of students in Asia. They point out that they have the planes and ships necessary to move the students. And they would need only about 6 months time to dismantle, ship and rebuild the portable, but more than adequate, student housing they currently have set up in Iraq for a previous government client. This also will be supplied at cost by Halliburton.”
“It is also very true,” he said, “that with Halliburton’s educational expertise, Yale will be more than ready to offer masters and PhD levels of program instruction in global occupation and survival. This course’s superior level of education will become the supplier of the next generation of world peace and survival policy workers.”
The president revealed that already within a week since this announcement, close to 4500 requests for the application have been received in New Haven. “We look forward to ten times that number of applicants once our advertising campaign kicks in,” he said. “We’re hoping for an initial class size of 10,000 students. And within 4 years the entering class should be around 25,000.”