Dominique Strauss-Kahn Claims Luck Helped in Choosing Perfect Victim

Dominique Strauss-Kahn smiled broadly for the cameras as he and his wife left a NY courtroom Friday after being told by a judge that he was being released on his own recognizance. The dark veil of accountability for his actions in allegedly raping a hotel maid had lifted somewhat, allowing Strauss-Kahn to enjoy his own Independence Day celebration.

An unidentified aide spoke on the condition of anonymity about how Strauss-Kahn was feeling upon his release. “He is elated. What dumb luck he had choosing this particular victim. Turns out, she was seeking asylum in America and had a few skeletons in her closet regarding her alien status,” said Jacques Laffoon, Strauss-Kahn’s personal assistant. “Not only that,” he said, “but she took too much time to think about whether or not to report the rape, leading prosecutors to doubt her sincerity about the crime.”

Laffoon claims the victim’s lies have all but ruined her case. “Dominique could not have chosen a better victim if he tried,” Laffoon said proudly.

Asked if the forensic evidence found in at the scene of the alleged crime corroborating the maid’s story that she was brutally raped by Strauss-Kahn regardless of the lies attributed to her didn’t worry his boss just a tad, Laffoon laughed and said “No, not in the least.”

“You obviously do not know how much trouble we have gone to to discredit this woman. We were lucky that she lied about so many things. Who cares if there is physical evidence of an alleged rape. Who is going to believe a liar? For all we know, she probably bruised her own vagina.”

Laffoon did state that he wonders when Strauss-Kahn’s luck will run out. “One of these days Dom is going to rape a woman who has a squeaky clean past and who is willing to stand up for herself. Thank goodness, the woman at present isn’t able to do that.