As we all know too well, each year has four seasons: the “Post-Christmas Fasting” season, the “Pre-Vacation Saving Season”, the “Vacation-Spending” season, and the “Pre-Christmas Online Promotion” season – which is on our doorstep. Although we still have an incredible number of days left until Christmas, we can already feel it coming. The nights are getting longer (except Down Under, where they are getting shorter), and the nights are becoming colder (except Down Under, where… all of it is the exact opposite). It’s time to prepare for the fourth season of the year, to board up the windows, reinforce the grates on the chimney, everything in the attempt to prevent the cat burglar in a red suit commonly known as Santa Claus to empty your bank accounts before the end of the year.
Here are five of the greatest tips you’ll get all year, tips that will help you prevent the upcoming downfall of your personal finances.
1. Spend Christmas with your cat
If all you have at home is a cat, you won’t have to worry about a Christmas dinner. Simply buy a few pounds of chicken liver, and feed the small, hairy serial killer you accepted in your home with it. To make things even simpler, eat the same yourself. Pro tip: before you eat liver, cook it first. Pro-pro tip: add some onions and salt.
2. Play online and hope for the best
If you are really quick, you can still catch the final days of the Dash for Cash online promotion at the Royal Vegas Casino, a promotion to open the season. Although the Olympic Games are over, you can still compete for a Gold medal at the Royal Vegas Casino – or at least its value. To participate, all you need to do is to create a Royal Vegas Casino account, play its games, and train your scoreboard champion to a pro – and claim amazing prizes in the process. But hurry – this Royal Vegas Casino promotion ends with the first day of the Pre-Christmas Online Promotion Season – September 1st.
If you’re lucky, you’ll win big – that will help you get through the season in one piece.
3. Start fasting
The Vacation-Spending season usually means an increased consumption of beer and other goodies. Said goodies transform in fat deposits, which you only have about three months to get rid of – starting now. The quickest way ti lose it – and save for the Pre-Christmas Online Promotion Season – is fasting. Don’t worry – you can take a break at Thanksgiving.
4. Be prepared for Black Friday
Thanksgiving is also the perfect time to gather your strength before Black Friday. You’ll need it, along with some basic equipment: a body armor, heavy work boots, a jockstrap, and a pair of gauntlets. This way you can avoid being crushed by the crowd maddened by the incredible promotions expected at WalMart this year (this is not an ad, of course).
5. Forget about all this, and move to Costa Rica
If you are like me, you’re sick and tired of all the madness during the Pre-Christmas Online Promotion Season, and you want out. Pro tip: move to an uninhabited island near the shores of Costa Rica, the furthest from a mobile tower you can. Cut all your ties to the mad mad world, and live happily ever after.