Announcer: With the federal highway system continuing to deteriorate, President Obama has been looking for new ways to raise money including collecting tolls on the Interstates. Administration tax specialist Mr. I.R. Esse will be discussing this with Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of “Yucky World”.
Janey: Welcome, Mr. Esse.
Esse: Tax you! Oops!
Dick: Little Freudian slip there?
Esse: Well, death and taxes are always on everyone’s mind.
Janey: Taxes are sure on the mind of Tea Partiers!
Esse: Unfortunately, some people are unwilling to accept the fact that we need to raise revenues to pay for the mess Bush left us.
Dick: Still Bush-bashing, huh?
Esse: If it plays in Peoria…
Dick: Raise taxes and I think you’re more likely to get tarred and feathered in Peoria!
Esse: First of all, we’re not raising taxes, but we do need to fix our roads. However, if turning the Interstates into toll roads is a problem, we have some other ideas to increase revenue. They’re 10% Federal Income Generators or FIGS for short.
Dick: 10% of a rose by any other name…will still tax the same!
Janey: Right, Dick! Can you give us some examples of these new FIGS?
Esse: Bowling jackpots!
Dick: Spare us, oh Lord!
Esse: Humph! When you win a jackpot, the federal government gets a 10% FIG; the bowler, of course, gets to keep 90%.
Janey: What else?
Esse: The federal government will also get a 10% FIG commission on all yard and garage sales.
Dick: Now how’s that constitutional?
Esse: Think of it as a secondary tariff since most of the goods being resold are from China anyway.
Janey: Are you sure those two FIGS will raise enough revenue?
Esse: Probably not. We expect Bingo to be our best FIG fund-raiser.
Janey: Bingo?
Esse: Absolutely! It’s the most common form of gambling in America. FIGging it will raise billions of dollars!
Dick: Is nothing sacred?
Esse: We’ll be taking a 10% FIG from Bingo winnings, too. It’s really effective because, again, you only pay if you win! We’re calling it “Bingo for the Bi-Ways”.
Janey: When we win, Uncle Sam wins.
Esse: Exactly!
Dick: Yeah, but Uncle Sam wins all the time, even if we lose.
Esse: Actually that isn’t always true. If you use a number in the “O” column to get Bingo, you won’t have to pay any FIG at all.
Janey: Really! Why’s that?
Esse: Because the “O” stands for Obama.
Dick: Oh, oh…But if the winning number is in the “B” column?
Esse: 20% FIG!
Dick: “B” for Blame Bush!
Esse: You got it!
Dick: I’m surprised you’re not FIGging the houses and hotels on Monopoly.
Esse: We thought about it, but Freddie Mac and Jennie Mae didn’t think it would work.
Janey: Well, they ought to know about things not working.
Dick: Hey! I have an idea for a new FIG.
Esse: Great! What is it?
Dick: Why don’t you FIG pets?
Janey: I don’t think Americans will go for that.
Esse: That’s what they said about the income tax when it was first introduced.
Dick: You could charge a yearly federal license fee for all dogs and cats.
Esse: Excellent! But why stop there? What about goldfish and hamsters?
Janey: You’ve got to be kidding.
Dick: I was.
Esse: I wasn’t.
Janey: What if people won’t pay?
Esse: We could require a social security number for each pet for verification purposes.
Janey: It sounds like you’re making pets members of the family.
Dick: But then we could claim them as dependents and get a tax deduction!
Esse: We’ll FIGure out a way to close that loophole. Yuck! Yuck!
Dick: Have you FIGured out a way to stop us from voting?
Esse: “Poll FIG the Peorians!”
Dick: Now there’s a battle cry that’ll go down in history!