Announcer: Some people believe the federal government is going overboard in its efforts to protect us from hurting ourselves. “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this issue with their guest, Consumer Protection Agency representative Miss Nanny State. (Any pain and suffering caused by “Yucky World” is not the fault of the sponsor…or any of his relatives.)
Janey: Our topic for today is product safety. Are you bringing unsafe products into your home?
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Dick: I cut my thumb yesterday opening a bottle of beer.
Janey: Really?
Dick: Yeah! I was using a bottle opener and it slipped.
Janey: That doesn’t sound like it was the beer’s fault.
Dick: Well, it was a twist-off cap and I couldn’t get it to twist-off.
Janey: Next time call me when you need help.
Dick: That’s okay. I’m not buying that kind of beer anymore.
Janey: Good decision, Dick. Now introduce our guest.
Dick: I’d like to welcome federal consumer advocate Miss Nanny State to our show.
Nanny: Thanks, Dick! Do either of you have a light?
Janey: I quit smoking.
Dick: I only drink beer… uh…just a little.
Nanny: No matter. I just happen to have two of the most dangerous products in the world here in my hand: a lighter and some matches.
Janey: What’s the danger, Miss Nanny?
Nanny: Children playing with them or fires accidentally starting in our pockets or purses!
Dick: I agree that these tragedies need to be prevented, but what are smokers supposed to do? Rub two sticks together?
Janey: You’d never be able to do it, Dick.
Dick: Very funny!
Nanny: No, short of banning them, I’d like to require that they be kept in little fire-proof boxes that are opened with combination locks.
Dick: That sounds awfully complicated, Miss Nanny.
Nanny: Nobody said life was supposed to be easy.
Janey: Why not put them in bottles with child-proof caps?
Nanny: Unfortunately, a lot of adults found them to be adult-proof, too.
Dick: I can identify with that.
Janey: This still sounds pretty extreme.
Nanny: I’ve brought one with me to show you. The average adult will have no trouble opening it.
Janey: Let’s give it a real test and try it on Dick.
Nanny: Him?
Janey: Sure!
Nanny: You know, I never said that all adults would be able to open it.
Janey: Oh, no! I agree. If Dick can’t open it, then we’ll have proof that it is child-proof.
Dick: I’m not sure that I like the direction this conversation is taking.
Janey: Don’t worry, Dick. I was only joking.
Dick: That’s a load off my mind.
Nanny: Couldn’t have been very heavy.
Janey: One last question. Do you think it would be possible to come up with a way to make the world safe from Dick?
Nanny: I think I’d rather try to make the world safe for democracy.