COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a recent study from the University of Maryland, an overwhelming majority of patients on their deathbed were consumed by every single slightly embarrassing or awkward moment from their middle school years.
Highly distraught over each and every fiber of social discomfort during these formative years, individuals who were knowingly nearing the edge of their very existence on this planet could think of little else other than minor gaffes that occurred in front of their peers often decades earlier.
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Among such devastating and life-altering experiences were splashing a small amount of drinking fountain water on their groin area, that time in gym class they missed an easy layup, and when they dropped their biology book in the hallway not once, but twice.
Esteemed veteran Monty Collington, 78, reportedly bemoaned the time his shoe scraped too closely to the floor, causing him to slightly stumble in front of a girl he liked.
“I think she saw it,” said a visibly crestfallen Collington, his brow wrinkled in sorrow.
Collington, a man who has firsthand experienced the horrors of war, the loss of a spouse and survived two heart attacks, cringed upon remembering the day someone sitting next to him called him a “turd” and nearly half the class softly chuckled.
Patients largely expressed their sentiments with the misty eyes of a deeply damaged being, in a way words never could.
“When you’re staring death in the face, you think about what really matters,” Collington woefully submitted.