NORTH POLE – Christmas – the holiday widely regarded as the most wonderful time of the year – today claimed victory in the War on Christmas, after enemy combatants and political correctness brigades surrendered in the early hours of the morning.
Its victory brings to a close 11 years of violent combat, which has seen bureaucrats carry out persistent strategic attacks on the special day in a war that is reported to have bored over two million people since fighting began on December 6, 2000.
“Christmas lovers the world over will forever remember December 14th as a historic day,” said Christmas spokesman and overall leader Santa Claus. “We have won the War on Christmas. Those who belittled Christmas by calling it a holiday, Yuletide or Winter Fest have been defeated. December 25 has no place for tyranny and oppression.”
It had earlier been hypothesized that the conflict, which many believe was “unconstitutional from the very start”, would last for over a hundred years, but those opposed to the war celebrated its conclusion this morning.
“I thought this day would never come,” wrote Indiana resident Kylie Peterson on her Facebook wall. “Can’t tell you how relieved I am. Now hopefully we can all just get along without trying to rename Christmas.”
“Merry Xmas (War is Over),” she concluded.
I started seeing Christmas displays at K-Mart in August, so that has to count for something, right? (It does, but it's not a good thing it counts for.)