Austin, TX (GlossyNews) — Texas Governor Rick Perry, in a tawdry attempt to poison the jury pool when the lawsuits start flying over the BP oil spill, has announced the oil well blowout in the Gulf of Mexico is “an act of God,“ while sticking to his former position that gay people are an abomination.
“It is true,” said Perry, “that an act of God is not covered by insurance policies and when it comes to a lawsuit, you can’t sue anyone over an act of God, but that has nothing to do with my statement. I‘m just saying that when big business screws up it is considered an act of God by Republicans because if you don’t believe in letting big business destroy every fiber of your being, you are not a good Christian, or a good Republican.” To clarify his position, The Office of the Governor of the State of Texas has released a long list of things it considers Acts of God, and things considered an abomination. Here are some highlights:
Acts of God:
Oil Well Blowout and Resulting Environmental Damage
Economic Meltdown Sponsored by Goldman Sachs
Rick Perry’s Hair
Insurance Company Campaign Donations
Big Oil
George Bush President
Tort Reform to Protect Quack Doctors
Denying Health Insurance to Sick People
Gerrymandering
Forced Immunizations for Venereal Warts
Stealing DNA from Newborn Babies
Cheerleading
American Flag Hanging Out of Your Ass
Black Tie Dinners Paid for by Crooked Businessmen
100 Dollar Bills
Death Penalty for Innocent People
Republicans
Whores
Abominations:
Mexicans
African-Americans
Gay People
Women
Anyone with an IQ over 75
Kay Bailey Hutchison
Marriage Equality
Legalization of Marijuana
Endangered Species Act
Democrats
Apologies to the gay community. I’m sorry you have Rick Perry amongst your numbers. He really does lower the quality of latent homosexuals everywhere.
Rick Perry’s hair is NOT an act of God.
It’s an act of the “Hair Club for Men”
Oh, and he’s gay. I mean REALLY gay. Cafe curtains gay. Leopard thong gay. Industrial size bottles of Astroglide gay. His closet has so many rent-boys in it that it could be mistaken for Fire Island.