OK Hank,
Here are a couple philosophical questions for your amusement.
Why do men and women have two hands?
If the Universe is expanding like my waistline, why does the content of my wallet not do the same?
Why do Korean women taste different than Chinese women?
Finally…
Why do all those Native Americans hate me?
-Phil from Philly
Dear Phil:
Thank you for asking these universally unanswerable questions. I hope I can give you an answer worthy of the time you must have put into these. But I have to caution, as with most of my readers, I have a feeling that your door is open, the welcome mat is out, but the lights just are not on, son.
Anyway, here goes nothing.
Why do men and women have two hands? Back in prehistoric times, men probably didn’t really need two hands because they could just as easily have held a dead carcass down with one of their feet and tore off the meat with their one hand. However, as man got more sophisticated and realized that there was more to life than hunting and eating, i.e. sex, they developed a second hand. Look, let’s face it, most women only have one child at a time so having two boobs is kinda redundant, don’t you think? At any rate, because women have two boobs, men have two hands. At the same time, I don’t know why women need two hands because men only have one… ok on to the next question.
If the Universe is expanding like my waistline, why does the content of my wallet not do the same? This is a little easier to explain. The size of your wallet is directly proportionate to the amount of work you do for money. So, instead of sitting around wondering about the mysteries of the universe or watching sports on the new ATT U-verse you just had installed (get it?), get off your lazy butt and get a job, Skippy.
Why do Korean women taste different than Chinese women? Don’t quote me on this, but I would assume the answer to this lies in the type of seasonings used in what these women eat. If Mandarin, there is a distinct mildly orange flavor, whereas Korean will always have a decidedly more spicy taste owing itself from the garlic and red chilies used in their dishes. By all means, whatever you do, don’t rule out Vietnamese and Thai for those crazy, crazy spice combinations that linger with you for hours.
Why do all those Native Americans hate me? I am not sure what Native Americans you are referring to, but my guess is they aren’t the ones who own a stake in the large casinos throughout the United States. Try going to any one of the hundreds of Indian Casinos across the U.S. and plunking down your hard-earned wages on their one-armed bandits (see how Hank cleverly tied that right into your first question?) and I guarantee, those Native Americans will cozy right up to you.
Hope we could clear some of those mysteries up for you. Feel free to come back with anything else your warped mind can come up with.
See ya at the Blackjack tables,
-Hank
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