Ask Hank: Dating without Restraints

I have a question for Hank. How can I meet women that aren’t psycho?
Do I have to send it in through email or is this OK?

-Max in Maryland

Dear Max,

First, just want to confirm that you can send any questions through the comments section and I will get them and answer them in the order received. The column runs on Sunday.

Ok, let’s get started. How can you meet women that aren’t psycho? The short answer is, you can’t. I can’t speak for every guy out there, but from the letters that keep rollin’ into my mailbox, I am seeing a trend and that trend scares the hell outta me.

But that shouldn’t stop you from trying; in fact, just the opposite. If you learn a few rules in dealing with women (understanding that all women are psycho to some degree), you’ll be meeting and dating more women than you can handle. All I ask is that you let me in on the secret once you learn it, deal?

Perhaps we should approach this from a different point of view, such as what makes a woman psycho in the first place? And the answer is hormones (believe it or not, it’s not our fault). If you can figure out when a woman’s hormones are in sync and allowing her to act normal, and you approach at that exact time (studies indicate that there is a one or two hour window per day, if that—and it’s usually at 7 p.m. after the 2nd glass of chardonnay), then you are the man. But alas, you cannot, so let’s move on.

Avoid packs of women. Women feed off other women’s psycho-ness; meaning, if one woman determines your studli-ness unworthy of her time, then it is pretty much guaranteed that you need to get the heck out of there fast because quicker than you can say ‘shrinkage’ you are a doomed man, and no amount of appletinis is going to bring you back into the good graces of that pack.

Bars are no good, period, especially if the guys outnumber the women 3 to 1. Contrary to popular belief that testosterone is the superior hormone, it is a proven fact that women not only have two hormones, estrogen and progesterone, but they have the super-human power to create small amounts of testosterone when they smell fear and this enables them to spot you a mile away, cowering in the corner, checking out the quickest exit if they even suspect that you were the one that pinched their ass on the dance floor.

So, based on scientific hormonal research, there is only one place to go to meet women who, for a brief period of time, are not psycho. Go to bake sales. Yes, believe it or not, you have a better chance of meeting a woman who is hormonally balanced at a bake sale than anyplace else on earth. Why? You ask? Simple. Chocolate. Yes, my friend, there is lots of chocolate at a bake sale. Chocolate cake, chocolate chip cookies, and best of all, chocolate brownies. The bake sale is the Mecca for all women.

No matter what mood they are in before they get to the bake sale, I guarantee that once they hit the brownies, and take a few bites, you will look like a god to them. Chocolate has a Prozac-like effect on women. They are not only approachable, but if you offer some of your brownies to them, it’s a sure bet that you’ll be on your way to dinner and a movie in no time. The only downfall to this type of relationship is that you will have to keep plying your babe with chocolate and it won’t be long before she doesn’t look so good in those tight leopard-print leggings.

–Hank

If you’ve got a question for Hank that you need answered, just send it in using our CONTACT page (linked at the top of the page). Remember, Hank puts the “guy” in DIY.