New Planet Discovered; Patriotic Americans Worry about Jobs

Scientists are still excited over the discovery of a habitable planet orbiting the nearby red dwarf star, Gliese 581. However, the discovery has many Americans wondering what the government plans to do in the event of an alien invasion.

“We got unemployment at ten percent and government spending is out of control,” said Edward Cracker, a tea party activist from Illinois. “How can we financially support a bunch of anal probing aliens?”

This Cracker’s opinions are not uncommon. Many Americans have already become enraged at the illegal alien invasion that is sure to result from the planet’s discovery.

Dr. Corn, an authority in the scientific community, says that Edward and all the other Crackers in the world should not worry: “It would take decades for any visitors from Gliese to reach Earth, even at the speed of light.”

But patriotic Americans are not convinced. “America’s full,” says Cracker. “And we don’t need no illegal aliens coming and taking away jobs from hardworking Americans.

Cracker has formed a group with other angry old white people to propose a solution. “We need a border fence. One that covers the entire Earth.”

The proposed fence would significantly raise the national debt if it were built. When asked how he suggests America pay for the fence, Cracker suggested tax cuts and reduced spending.

“National security is important, so we need this fence,” he said. “But we also can’t cut from the defense budget or Social Security or Medicare. But we still have to cut spending. And taxes. It worked for Reagan!”

Cracker’s group recommends hiring low-wage workers for labor on the fence in order to keep down costs. “I’m sure we can find hard-working Americans who would be willing to work for less than minimum wage to keep our orbit safe. We just can’t let these damn aliens come and start taking good American jobs like peach-picking and dishwashing.”

Most polls show that no hard-working, patriotic, country music-loving Americans would be willing to work on the fence for such a small amount of money. However, several people volunteered outside of a local Home Depot.

“Trabajo?” asked Jose Nunes. “Si, si.”