CHICAGO, IL — Spendrift T. Hwart, science historian for the Doomsday Clock group, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, held a press conference today to announce that it would move the hands of the clock from five to six minutes before midnight. Amidst a virtual tumultuous applause from throughout the developed world, Mr. Hwart bowed and smiled as he acknowledged that he virtually imagined the resounding notice.
He then stepped back to the microphone and said “And, in recognition of the long period of time since 1947 when the Clock was first brought to public attention, we are selling the poor dear, we here at the Bulletin call her “Dee-Dee”. We are selling Dee-Dee to someone who will be able to revitalize her and keep the spirit of the Clock’s frightful meaning to our global society.
“In order to deflect as much curiosity and interest in this sale as possible, we placed Dee Dee up for sale on eBay. Where it said “Price required for purchase” we wrote in “Priceless” and hoped for the best.” Mr. Hwart said. “As you may know, if you have ever sold anything on eBay, it can seem like a century before the time of the sale finally is up. And now we are proud to announce the winner of the sale.” finished Mr. Hwart.
Raising his voice to seem enthused Mr. Hwart said, “Ladies and gentlemen I introduce you to the Doomsday Clock’s new owner, Pope Benedict XVI.”
The Pope emerged from behind the black drapes covering the stage entrance and smiled and waved his now-familiar PopeWave.
“Thank you for your encouraging support members of the press and other media assembled.” began the Pontiff. “We at the Vatican are pleased that this famous and most humanistic symbol of death and destruction in our world will now come to rest in our hallowed halls at the Vatican. I can think of no other more deserving place for this Clock to repose.”
“I am also asked to say that according to today’s Armageddon update, Doomsday has been officially delayed by one minute. It is six minutes to midnight,” the Pope said, checking the time on his own wrist watch.
“This whole end-of-the-world idea, which was so important during the hey-day of the Doomsday Clock,” continued the Pope, “has kind of retreated back into our own realm of religious apocalypses. Our younger generations all see it as the stuff of old movies,” he said. Then with his beaming smile he said, “They can’t relate to the feeling that at any moment, literally any moment, we might be gone.
“But let me tell you what we have decided to do with our new Clock. You will be amazed, I think.” began the Pope, seemingly showing some small excitement.
“By We here, I am referring to myself and the other people of importance who work in the Vatican. My Corporate Body, if you will. We will immediately take the Doomsday Clock off its Daylight Savings Time setting, effectively turning back the clock to 6 minutes to 11 as it were.” Holding his hands up to quiet the sudden rush of questioning, the Pontiff continued, “I know it is hard to believe, but this Clock, which had been resident in the city of Chicago since its inception, was moved in 2001 to Northern Indiana.
This is a state which did not believe in DST, as it’s called there,” continued the Pope. “So, while in Indiana it was never reset to Chicago time. When it was brought back to Chicago it was put back on DST and never changed until now. Thus we are able to relax the whole world away from the concerns of this wondrous clock.” he finished.
“Another change that will make the most sense when you hear it.” began the Pontiff, “is that we have now connected our Dee Dee to the national Atomic Clock in Boulder. This will guarantee that never again will there be any discussion about the accuracy of the Doomsday Clock.” he said. “Questions?
Yes, Sam.”
“Your excellency,” began Sam Donaldson of ABC, “What happens when you take the Clock out of Chicago and set it up in Rome?”
Smiling at the obvious inattention of the newsman, the Pope began “My dear Sam, I don’t think you heard me. We have attached the Clock to the Atomic Clock and it will continue to register 6 minutes to 11 until there is a reason to change it either because of nuclear proliferation, or global warming, or the Rapture that is expected sometime in 2012. Italian time won’t have any effect on our Clock.”
Then with his well-known, rapier-like sense of humor, the Pontiff asked “Sam, by the way, what time is it?”
Everyone registered enjoyment of the Pope’s joke at Sam’s expense.
“Question here Mr. B,” said Helen Thomas of Hearst. “What did you pay for this decrepit old 1940s alarm clock that hasn’t been able to tell time since it was drawn on paper?”
“Helen, Helen, Helen,” began the Pope. “I can’t believe that you of all people have such words for our highly regarded timepiece.”
“Well, I call it like I see it B.” she retorted. “What did you pay, or don’t you want to look foolish?”
“My dear lady,” said the Pontiff, a bit less cordial at this question, “We would like to keep the monetary side of this transfer away from the scrutiny of yourself and others like you. You see, we would rather discuss with you the fact that the Clock will never need to be consulted again for these worldly matters. It will be retired into our museum. Other questions? No? Then thank you all and may God Go With You.” He crossed himself and threw an additional blessing over the room.