Egypt to Ban Lab-Fabricated Hymens

A leading Egyptian Islamic scholar has demanded (based on his own barbaric vigilante authority) that people caught importing a female virginity-faking device into the basket case country should be arrested by the Mutaween religious police, summarily tried under Sharia law and face the death penalty if convicted.

Mustafa Jaffacake told a reporter from the Maidenhead Gazette that supplying the item was akin to spreading vice in polite Egyptian society – a crime punishable by death – or even worse – under Islam’s Stone Age Sharia laws.

And what a strange brand of law that is – while targeting subservient women for their pre-marital indiscretions – or transitory moments of erotic pleasure – averts its reproving gaze from falling upon the blatant instances of rampant zoophilia and homosexuality among its menfolk.

The hymen-simulating device, which apparently slides inside a woman’s worn-out vagina, is said to grip tighter than a Shylock’s wallet once moist with pussy juices and releases a red liquid imitating blood when the groom’s erect member barges it’s way inside her – thus allowing a female to feign virginity on her wedding night – even if she has previously worked as a two-bit hooker around Sharm el Sheikh and had enough lengths of cock up her snatch to put a handrail around Cairo – twice.

Apparently the affront caused by the use of such a device is rooted (sic – no pun intended) in the stigma concerning pre-marital sex (for women) in all the 14th Century chauvinist Arabic and Pan- Islamic societies – where they are classed as mere sexual chattels and often subjected to the brutish practices of clitoridectomy and infibulation to enforce their ‘virginal purity and fidelity’.

Conversely the counterfeit ‘virginity intact’ contraption is seen by Westernised Asian and Oriental women living beyond the manic clutches of fanatical Dark Ages Islamic religious zealots as a cheap and simple alternative to hymen repair surgery – revirgination or hymenoplasty – which is carried out in secret – or advertised openly – by a multitude of backstreet cosmetic clinics throughout the Middle and Far Eastern countries.

Professor Jaffacakes, one of Egypt’s leading academic eunuchs and an Islamic lecturer at Alexandria’s prestigious Nasser al-Fuckwit University, told Pox News the device undermined the moral deterrent of fornication.

Apparently the bonkers prig of a Professor took exception at the import and use of the pseudo-vestal pussy devices after a group of his students drew his attentions to a female personals website and specifically an article posted by an Egyptian chick named Kelana in December last year – just prior to her marriage to a Luxor camel farmer – on how she could fake her virginity being intact.

Kelana’s sans-hymen predicament arose from a tight (sic) budget while studying at Giza’s Last Oasis College and her father went bankrupt after investing in a dodgy pyramid scheme.

She then self-financed her studies up to post-graduate level by bonking Western tourists around Aguza’s Corniche el-Nil nightspots until after having more pricks than a dartboard her snatch ended up with the elasticity of a stale donut and she posted enquiries about obtaining and using a surrogate hymen on the Steady Health website.

Prof. Mustafa Jaffacake’s students backtracked the website blogs and url links to come up with ‘artificial virginity hymen replacements’ being manufactured and marketed by the Japanese Gigimodo adult sex toys company of Tokyo – which has now been blasted with abusive and threatening e-mails from not only an irate Jaffacake personally but also such radical militant groups as the Islamic Brotherhood – to the Taliban – to the Jolly Jihadi suicide bomb vest nutters brigade themselves.