Arizona to Experience Worst Coastal Flooding in Decades

TEMPE — Meteorologists agree that the storm surge, combined with the seasonal monsoon already covering Arizona, could mean the worst flooding coastal Arizona has seen in more than a generation.

“Well we’ve already been seeing rainfall of over one inch per day,” said Sahid Gupta, Arizona native and senior secular meteorologist at the New Day Horizons Center for Wellness. “Which is normal for this time of year, but the storm surge is threatening our coast now.”

Temperate Storm Fabiola is expected to make landfall early in the morning, and already mass transit has shut down, schools have closed, and Jack in the Box has removed breakfast items from their menu.

“The wetlands near coastal Flagstaff are already [as swampy as they can be],” said assistant Christian meteorologist Max Poundage. “Another deluge like what we got in December and we’ll be flooded for sure.”

Residents in the coastal cities of Phoenix, Tuscon and Yuma are advised to evacuate immediately, as the storm will only intensify over the coming days.

“We have a lot of king crab farms down here,” said Joslyn McCockov, an analyst from the Arizona Department of Wild Fisheries. “If the salt water comes in, it will destroy the crop. Crab just can’t survive in fresh seawater.”

Cranberry farmers in lowlying coastal Scottsdale have already poisoned their crops and submitted claims to FEMA for the losses, but homeowners are less hopeful.

“I saved about 12% or so (plus or minus 3% margin of error) by switching to Geico, but they didn’t offer flood insurance. Certainly not in [flood plauged] Arizona,” said a person whose name we didn’t get before we concluded our interview.

Between the heavy rains and storm surge, waters should top out on Humphreys Peak at about 3-feet of standing water at the summit, so pack your arc.

Much of the weather forecast we used to write this article can be found on the FunnyHitman Live Weather Forecast.