Obesity researchers at John Hopkins University claim they have discovered a causal link between childhood obesity and the consumption of excess calories.
“We won’t know for certain until all the data is in”, said lead researcher John Pell. “But our data shows that children who ingest several sugary soft drinks, candy bars, chips and other high caloric foods every day tend to be heavier than children who eat less!”
University of Tennessee obesity specialist Clarence Gross disagreed with Pell’s findings. “Caloric consumption has very little to do with obesity”, Gross stated. “Obesity is caused by lack of sleep and PCBs in plastics which create a metabolic disorder!”
Pell said his research started with his own 10 year old son who tended to sit on the sofa, eat candy and drink soft drinks and play video games. When Pell noticed his son getting fat he suspended his son’s candy and video game privileges and told him to “get off your ass and go outside and play”. Following his father’s advise, the boy became thinner, more energetic, more social and happier. Pell extended his research to 3,789 other overweight and obese youth and found a similar result.
“Certainly this does not prove anything”, Pell admitted. “But it does require further study!”
Let’s not take this story seriously until the data is in! This is satire after all!
I think you just solved my diet problem.
This story was good it made me hungry…