UNDISCLOSED, DELAWARE – Former VP Dick “Darth” Cheney announced today that he has retained the Trump Organization and The Donald as co-executive producers of his new “Memoirs” reality show to air on Fox this fall.
Speaking in a small clearing of a forested area outside Wilmington, Delaware, Mr. Cheney revealed that his somewhat-sought-after memoirs would be the subject of the Fox TV show to run for 16 weeks. “The contestants will be serious memoir writers and celebrity writer wannabes,” sad Mr. Cheney with a light gleam in his eye. “And whoever wins this 16 week Total Trump Challenge will get to ghost–write the book — my life spent in government work.”
Sam Donaldson rasped the first question. “Boy, I hate these woody press conferences with my allergies. Uh, Mr. Cheney, why have you engaged both the Trump Organization and The Donald separately as co-producers? Don’t you get The Donald with the Organization?”
“Amazingly enough,” began Mr. Cheney, “Don doesn’t work for the Organization. They threw him out a while back. Something about his monthly cut flower bill being worth the salary of a CPA. So I had to hire him only because I want to sit in that board room set he owns and say ‘Your fired!’ each week without paying royalties which he gets by the pocketful on the open market. So I get both. And those kids of his are such great TV audience draws.”
Helen Thomas, wearing her best forest boots asked, “OK so what’s all this about? What’s the point? Don’t you know how to write yet? My God, man, you’ve been around for ever, even before me and you still can’t write in complete readable sentences?”
“Well Ms. Thomas, said Cheney, “I haven’t spent my life hunched over a type keyboard like some here I guess. I need seriously to get my story out there before the school textbooks go up for reprinting in the next couple of years. I want my story to be told by me and about me. Not some drivel about political chicanery in the White House, which I was never a part of, mind you. Or the Senate, where I was not on the payroll.”
“I repeat myself,” said Thomas grinning, “but what’s all this about the reality show? Why can’t you just hire a publisher and get a writer and be done with it? This game show stuff is for the light weights in the world like this Donald coot. I considered that surely you weighed in on a much heavier scale.”
“Thank you for that thought,” smiled Cheney’s teeth, “but I also need a little bit of spending cash for my wife’s trips to New York and Barney’s store. You know?”
“Anywho,” he continued, “There will be two teams of 8, serious writers and writer-wannabes. We are going to place the whole show’s main setting at the Quantico Marine Base lockup in Virginia, so it is close to Washington. This location will now be revealed to the public as my “home away from home” during my terms as Vice. Then we will use a previously undisclosed Air Force plane which I had built for my personal use before I left in January. That will get me back and forth from Delaware to Virginia each day.”
“And all of the activities will be happening at the Base so there will be no chance of anyone getting any kind of advance information on either side. And with the Marines just a shout away, no one will be allowed to leave base until the 16 weeks are up.” He continued.
“Now about the sponsors for the show. I have the delight to reveal that there are some very high-roller types who will make the show happen. Topping the list is my old haunt, Haliburton and both their Blackwater, eh sorry – Xe these days, and KBR Divisions. Now that there isn’t much going on in the Mideast, they have time and lots of cash to spend with the show.
“Also lining up for sponsor gigs are: Israel, Wyoming, Lockheed Martin, both Coors and Coors Light, the Pentagon’s Employee Trust Fund and the US Naval Conservatory Basement Fund, and I just learned today that the wonderful folks at the Carlyle Group will make funds available as well as some much-needed writing advisors. Finally, the Bush Family Pentecostal Trust. And of course, Trump Casinos will manage the entertainment parts of the day when the cameras are shut down.”
“Mr. Cheney,” waved Cokie Roberts in the back, “What types of challenges will the writers face in this show?”
“Well,” he started, “I don’t know the complete list of things, but you can bet that there will be some big-time, knockdown spelling contests, for sure. And I know that there is going to be a huge font hunting exercise where the each team will hide behind giant cardboard cutouts of various words and letters in different font styles and my own cutouts as well. Then we will come in with some nice Marine beach landing equipment and see how many of the fonts are left standing. Should be real cool to see those big letters just blow off the face of the earth. I wouldn’t want to be standing anywhere near.
“There are also plans for some real research work as well. Lots of time in libraries and such combing files and the internet for false information. Those will be super serious games, though. Maybe the finals or such. Research has always been close to my heart, you know.”
“Thanks all for coming by. See you in the board room, if you think you can take it. Gotta get back to rehearsals.”