Hollywood CA — People Magazine has ruled — Depp won! Pirates Beat Vampires! was the header online — with an eye-popping 6.3 million total votes cast! Johnny Depp, mid-40s, is the World’s Sexiest Man!
Who were the contenders, aside from Loser Vampire Pattinson? —who took down a mere 2.3 million votes for second place. Well, in a twist of fun the editors of PM said they wanted the voting to be “like super” in 2009 so they threw in some real difficult votables to pass up.
Matt McConaughey’s shirt led off the pack with 2.25 million votes! Yes! For the shirt yet. It almost beat the Vampire! What a shirt. Then a rare choice but a winning vote-getter at 1.92 million, the entire Star Jones Wedding — the whole she bang, she bang, she — well you get the drift. Third in the list was another hard-to-pass-up first, the 2003 Johnny Depp. Right, they put Depp up against himself and he brought in 1.7 million votes! That’s a total for him of 8 million ‘Go Pirate’ votes, matey!
The final votes went for Harrison Ford’s 1998 slightly stained, padded blue jeans (350,000 votes); the 1995 (not the skinny-Millenny 2000) Brad Pitt (225,000 votes); Patrick Swazye’s posthumous 1991 abs with 21,000 votes; and bringing up the rear with 13 votes, “nobody” 1994, the only year the mag hasn’t had a Sexiest Man of the World awarded.
In a seemingly unrelated story, just as the awards were being announced, a statement from the U.S. Fifth Fleet in Bahrain announced that four suspected pirates in a skiff off Somalian waters attacked a previously-attacked US-registered ship again.
Vice Adm. Trish Gormley of the U.S. Naval Forces CentComm, said the freighter Maersk Alabama had a totally Korean crew on board this time. The Admiral said “the pirates used their automatic weapons from about 300 yards away. An on-board security team repelled the attack with evasive maneuvers and a Long Range Acoustic Device, which beams earsplitting alarm tones,” smiled the Admiral. “No shots were fired at the pirates, they quickly left the vicinity as they couldn’t hear themselves think.”
Interviewed in Boston while she was having her hair colored, Kim Brock, wife of the ship’s captain, Paul Brock said “It must have shocked those pirates. They weren’t used to the noise.”
A self-proclaimed pirate in a Somali pirate town said that colleagues out at sea had called him around 9 a.m. — “they say the get in trouble with thees American ship and they can’t think, there is a suddenly very sharp noise in my radio and I lose contact. We can’t locate them since,” said the pirate.
When asked why they tried to take this particular US boat again, the would-be pirate said, “Hey, it was announced early today in People Magazine that the Pirates we Win! So we took it as the omen and go for the ship. Who knew they get away, man? We figure they hear the news. We think they fold without a fight. We lose bad.”