Well, it’s that time of the year again, where people and parents everywhere are scrambling to get just the right gift for people on their list. That’s when they realize that they can’t afford just the right gift, so most everyone gets a Bob Ross Chia Pet.
According to a Nielsen Survey conducted on me alone and also not actually by Nielsen, most parents wait to buy Christmas presents until the annual List of Most Dangerous Toys comes out because that’s when most of them go on sale.
Gifts for older kids and adults are even more difficult, so to make your shopping a little easier, we’ve compiled a shortlist of gifts that will be sure to put that WTF IS THIS SHIT look on your loved one’s face Christmas morning.
Gifts for the Younger Crowd
Carrot Top Finger Puppet Playset
Comes complete with a small Carrot Top wig and a Bic Pen that you have to keep shaking to get the ink out of. Put the wig on your index finger, and use the pen to draw pre-Botox Carrot Top or Oh-My-God-What-Happened-To-His-Face Carrot Top for hours of fun!
Make-Your-Own Saw Trap Kit
Does your child like to tinker with things? Do you want to get those creative juices flowing? Then look no further than this do-it-yourself Saw trap kit and start making unsolvable death traps just like in the movies!
Comes with all you need to make the perfect Saw trap including a cassette tape player, VCR, and egg timer. What will happen when that timer hits zero? That’s up to you and your imagination to decide.
Unvaccinated Baby Dolls
With anti-vaxxing being all the rage these days, there’s no better time to show your kids how cool and creepy they can look if they’d just say “no” to vaccinations. Pull the string and hear the baby say things like, “I’m not putting that poison in my body,” “My body, my choice” and “I won’t be a sheep.”
Buzz with Woody Drinking Cup
To Infinity and Beyond? It certainly looks like his straw is getting there! The more you drink, the longer the straw gets!
Trump Rally Superhero Collection
Bring all the excitement and anarchy of a Trump Rally right into your living room with these lifelike action figures. Press the large, red, “MAGA” button on the back of the head and each figure will say things like, “We need to take this country back,” “He’s just saying what we’re all thinking,” and “I didn’t know it would go this far.”
Diddling Dinos
Hours of fun as your child imagines interspecies mingling of herbivores and carnivores alike! Will they create a Stegosaurus Rex or Brontoceratops before they are all completely wiped off the face of the Earth? Better hurry and finish, Mr. Allosaurus!
Gifts for the Older People on Your List
ButtPlug Betty Shower Toy
NOTE: The minimum age for this toy is 18+, but you’ll have a hard time getting out of the shower once you start playing with Betty!
Sybian Playset
Standard ride, reverse cowgirl, the choice is yours!
- One AAA battery not included
Beastiality Barbie
Warning: This set is anatomically correct so make sure your child has had “the talk.”
Choke-Me-Out Elmo
Why let the folks on 50 Shades of Grey have all the fun? Choke-Me-Out Elmo is a great gift for fans of the series who also attend Furries Conventions. Automatic pulse detection will send an emergency 911 call if Elmo detects you’ve stopped breathing for longer than 20 seconds and is, of course, machine washable.