NEW YORK CITY – A conductor is drawing wide attention for his decision to present a “Reduced Fat Orchestra” to future audiences.
Tomasso Fillipo Rivelli, 32, came to the conclusion after getting word that Congressman Paul Ryan’s “Path to Prosperity” budget plan would pass the Senate with a veto-proof majority.
Included in the plan are significant reductions in funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, which Rivelli’s musical company relies on for much of its operational income.
When reporters caught up with him in Manhattan, Rivelli held his ground on the issue. “Some-a times you gotta say: Dam-a nation! My ensemble is no longer-a fat. Itsa reduced fat!”
Spokespeople from Obese Americans for Obesity Tolerance described Rivelli’s remarks as “Curdled,” and “Positively skim.”
Bystander Blink Busby also chastised Rivelli, demanding to know “How dairy? I mean, HOW DAIRY?”
In Hollywood, celebrities Matt Bourne and Ben Argo announced they will star in a campaign against the conductor’s actions. The flagship theme is a poster of both actors wearing fatsuits with the tagline “Got Hate?”
News of Rivelli’s response leaked to Washington, D.C. insiders on Sunday, leading to a proposal by Congresswoman Michele Bachmann that a similar, “Reduced Fat Congress” be adopted. Her attempt to attain a vote on the issue was stifled by Congressman Jerrold Nadler, who promised to boycott the proposal with bipartisan support from Chris Christie and Fox News host Mike Cluckabee.
Rivelli’s words have made an international impact as well. French politician Gerard Larcher held a press conference late Sunday to announce that his country will seek military action against the Italian Alps, where a close ally of the hated conductor is said to be hiding. Larcher ensured reporters, “While a fat man like myself can flee into his folds, the Italians are all skinny bastards. We shall find them, starting with the Beanpole of the Alps.”