LOS ANGELES, California (GlossyNews) The producer of TV’s popular “Amazing Race” today revealed expansion plans for the profitable franchise. Speaking from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Psst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro, Lane Fontana wowed reporters. His remarks were also well received by participants in the still going strong Dennis Hopper wake.
“It started with my fears that we’re losing the yokels. Kiefer’s show is off; Simon was smart to bail on his talent contest show. They’re running out of contestants for ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ You watch, Betty White will be on that show, next thing you know. So I just started wondering where do the yokel eyeballs want to go?”
The widely acknowledged Einstein of disposable entertainment went on to explain the nexus for his new show, “Find Something American.”
“Yeah, flying to NYC, trying to lock rights on ‘Punky Brewster, the Musical!’ and I was thinking about those poor wretches 30,000 feet below. Their lives are so horrible and pointless. Sure, they want escapism. But think about it? What they really want is escapism they can relate to. Like Susan Boyle? They cheer Boyle because most of them probably look like her.”
Fontana explained the new show will pit contestants against one another as they try to find American-made merchandise in a Wal-Mart store. In the words of the media mogul, the pilot episode “Focus group through THE freaking roof!”
CBS Programming Chief Lester Ected took the podium to echo the enthusiasm for “Find Something American.” Mister Ected said, “Oh yeah, this goes places. We’ve inked for sixteen episodes. Sixty minutes to fill your cart with American-made products. At checkout, whoever has the highest dollar value cartload gets the $10K. It’s beautiful; beautiful like that Sistine Chaplain.”
The announcement was also popular with those gathered at Malibu’s exclusive ‘Psst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro to honor the legacy of legendary screen rebel Dennis Hopper.
Said Nick Nolte, “Where am I? What day is this?”
[Editor’s Note: While I seriously doubt there are enough American-made items in Wal-Mart to support 16 episodes, with the possible exception of cigarettes and beer, no one is ready for the reality of Nick Nolte. Save that for HBO]