POINT BARROW, Alaska (GlossyNews) — Local Alaskan law enforcement agencies were shocked recently to learn of a plot by local moose to do in redneck rocker Ted Nugent during a concert here. The normally quiet, vegetarian moose have been in a tither since his concert posters were first put up. Their anger is over the fact that the long haired and semi psychopathic Nugent is a famous hunter as well, one who seems to deem it an almost religious undertaking.
“The shooting of animals for sport and meat is a God given virtue that He has given unto man. We are meant to have dominion over the earth and its denizens. That means we have the right to blow them into teensy little pieces if we want to.”
“Bull!” said a bull moose drinking outside the Anchorage concert hall were Nugent was scheduled to appear that night. “That redneck phony, hippy-haired has been ain’t gonna dominate me! I’ll rack up his gonads so severely that he’ll be be falsetto for the rest of his so-called career.” The moose, on suspicion of being a threat, was immediately shot and his body partitioned amongst the State Troopers there and dispatched to their freezers.
A female moose and her calf who were on the tarmac where Nugents jet was to touch down stated “I don’t see why he can’t leave us animals in peace.” she stated to our interviewer. “He only does it for kicks and has built his ego around his hunting fantasies. His head should be hung on a trophy rack somewhere as a lesson to others.” The female moose was quickly dispatched by Homeland Security agents who deemed her a terrorist threat and split up her remains for drying, then delivered the offspring to the local zoo for fattening…er… showing.
Nugent, who was a reasonably successful musician with the Amboy Dukes in the ’60’s extended his career indefinitely by becoming a spokesman for the hunting crowd. Adding a certain dementia for guns and killing things only furthered his fame and has kept him on the concert circuit long after he should have been mothballed and taxidermitized. Were it not for his long hair, a trademark from his rocker days, he probably could have succeeded Charlton Heston as the head wing nut of the NRA. Unfortunately for Ted, the rifle guys want someone a little more short haired for their symbolic leader. Long hair is too much of a hippie image that the NRA finds too close to being gay for their liking.
Meanwhile, any moose within a 50 mile radius of Anchorage is being slaughtered on the grounds of being possible Al Queda affiliates, most of them by Nugent himself.
On a personal note: The engaging, diplomatic and open minded Nugent has said of Obama “that Barack Hussein Obama is a piece of shit and should suck on my machine gun.” and said to Hillary Clinton “you should ride one of these into the sunset you worthless bitch.” Although Nugent claims that he does not use drugs or alcohol, we speculate that he could make a third very profitable career out of selling whatever substance he does use. Teddy had the chance to prove his real guts with a gun in the Vietnam War but chose to be a draft dodger instead, something that he has admitted to. He also once signed on with Frank Zappa’s record company which must have made for the strangest union since Tiny Tim married Miss Vicky.
[Editor’s Note: We might also add that just like his pal, the Connecticut Yankee — George W Bush, Ted now lives in Crawford TX. His Confederate roots actually lie in Yankee territory in Michigan and Illinois. It is also apparent that regardless of any regalia he may sport in public he is not an American Indian.]