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Pornoscopes

We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22) - Oh baby. Touch me, right there. Oh yeah, harder. Damn, is that a claw? Pinch me, right there. Harder. Oh yeah. Let me put my hand down there. Hope you don't have crabs.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) - Rrrrroar! I run my fingers through your mane as you claw my back. You're so ferocious. Here kitty, kitty. Let me pet your pussy, Tiger.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - You may be inexperienced in love, but once I roll on top of you and put my tongue into every orifice of your body, you'll be wishing you were born to a different sign. Relax baby, it only hurts once.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) - I give you good lovin'. Good wet lovin, elbow deep in your sensuous juices. Be just and give me some lovin' back. Rub your body against me as I lay back on your scales and wait for you to weigh my love.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) - I climb on your back and roll my hands beneath your stomach. I can feel your hard exo skeleton below me. Your tail raises between my legs and oh! Well aren't you just a little stinger?

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - I kiss the arch of your back, and press my body to yours, turning you around to face me. My hands travel the length of your body, until they reach their target between your legs. Is that an arrow in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - I lick at your milky nipples. To others, you might be just an old goat. But feel free to leave those hoof prints in me. Do I make you horny, baby?

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - Being the water gatherer you are, you're so wet. I imagine I have a little to do with that, since I've embraced your lips with my own and I lap your sweet water into my mouth.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) - Do I smell fish? Oh, that's just you. Well, I have a taste for a little tuna myself. Let me run my tongue up and down your gills and oh yes! You're quite a catch.

Aries: (March 21-April 19) - I ram my body against yours in the throes of sexual passion? Have you noticed my red underwear? Toro!

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) - I ride you like a bull, holding tight to the bedposts as you buck and buck beneath me. Oh buck me, baby. Buck me as hard as you can. Buck me. Buck me! Buck me!!!

Gemini: (May 21-June 21) - How about a threesom? You can have top and bottom. I'll be the meat in the sandwich. Eat me, babies. Swallow me whole.

 

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There is the slightest chance that this may have been written by a ghost writer…