Last week we reported that West African Green Monkey Semen may not be good for your health. We failed to mention however that it may also be very, very good for you. Aside from the elation and general sense of well being it so often brings to it's loyalists, green monkey semen is loaded with protein and fortified with vitamins and sperm. Further, we were explicitly instructed to withhold the name, profession and denomination of the Christian minister who swears by the product, but we failed to do so. It was never our intention to protect the guilty, but it kind of makes people more inclined to talk if you know what I mean.

While we reported with accuracy that the late Walter Heywood had bequeathed his Dumbo Ears to his genetic heirs, it failed to make press that his hairy back was also handed down to all of his daughters. My deepest sympathy in this your time of greatest need… ya monkeys.

For the last two weeks it has been announced that the editor was intended to pay readers real cash money merely for subscribing. It has since been determined that this was in fact true, but you all were too friggin' dumb to buy off on it. Oh well, your loss.

It was reported that the mayor of Barrien Springs Michigan had in fact lost her tits. Representatives from the mayor's office were prompt to bring to our attention the most minor of clerical oversights. Her actual quote was "I lost my tits" but what her press secretary now tells us is that she meant to say "I believe I may have temporarily misplaced my tits". She made it clear that if I retract the previous statement and pleasure her in any number of ways that she would drop all charges. Not only do I stand corrected, but I feel used in bad, bad ways.

In our Testicular Guide published last week, we did receive some minor reader corrections. It was stated that black men are both four times less likely to get testicular cancer and that they have bigger cocks. We have been informed by three separate doctors informing us that they do not. These doctors, it should be noted, are all white, hung like turtles, and have never seen a porno. Further it was advised to do everything possible not to pop a huge boner during examination, but these same doctors said in fact that it would be a great idea and that they would all welcome the site. So you see what I mean about these guys, am I right or am I right? I don't think they've ever seen a human penis, who's with me?

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