SEATTLE, WA. At their annual shareholders meeting in Seattle last week, Starbucks Coffee Company made the startling announcement of a new alliance between Starbucks and the Hospice Foundation of America.
Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, told an excited latte-infused crowd of cheering Starbuck’s shareholders that Starbucks will soon be bringing their fine coffee products to those about to make their journey to the great beyond. “The dying are a new and untapped demographic for us,” said Schultz.
Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.
“There are more than 4,700 Hospice programs in the U.S. which will assist about 1.4 million Americans on their path to the great unknown. By Fall we will be installing Starbuck kiosks in Hospices nationwide bringing our expensive mochas, lattes and cappuccinos to the terminally ill and their caregivers.
Schultz continued, often interrupted by thunderous applause from exuberant shareholders: “Our focus, as always, is on the customer experience, as long as they last. What could be better when facing the grim reaper than a nice cup of cafe misto or even a carmel macchiato light foam?
“Since our first Starbucks store opened in 1971, we have always fostered a culture of ‘good’. And for those good people about to buy the farm, a pleasant caffeine buzz may make the passage a just a little easier. I know some will say, hey Starbucks, you need to concentrate more on profits and less on altruism. But this is just another part of Starbuck’s core values: reaching out with a double foam latte to those unfortunate customers about to cash in their chips.”
In unrelated news, Starbucks is now covered by Medicare.
I bet this is really happening.