Tag Archive | "interview"

Exclusive GlossyNews Interview: Former Trotskyist Jeremy Corbyn! (3/3)


Last time:

“You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.”

Yes, nothing like edgy German socialism to warm the cockles of one’s heart. I love a bit of Liebknecht ‘n’ Luxemburg, you know.

Jezza continues:

And needless to say (although the evil hardcore extreme-right-wing-capitalist-media, e.g. the Guardian and the Socialist Work-Wipe may indeed say it), it’s not that, TECHNICALLY, I condone inappropriate acts of what a proportion of individuals may call ‘terrorism’ really-very-much-at-all… Read the full story

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Exclusive GlossyNews Interview: Former Trotskyist Jeremy Corbyn! (2/3)


Last time:

Wallace: Just change the record, man! You’re boring the arse o’ me, even if you are only a radically tendentious creation of my highly speculative fictional imagination, and not a real person.

Jezza: Well, at least you still HAVE an arse, hm?

One day, if you don’t support us, the capitalists will come and cut off your sorry petty-bourgeois-revisionist arse…

And requisition it and flog it on Ebay or some other undemocratic, top-down, non-cyber-proletarian-controlled neoliberal corporation.

(Or worse still, CAPITALIST corporation!)

Oh and by the way, you know, I think Stalin would just have LOVED Ebay. Read the full story

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Exclusive GlossyNews Interview: Former Trotskyist Jeremy Corbyn! (1/3)


Former Trotskyist, aspiring Social Democrat & edgy Westminster parliamentarian Jeremy Corbyn has agreed to have another objective, impartial interview…

This time, at notable satire outlet Glossy News.

Wallace: So, we’ll play to your strengths first.

Jezza: Do I have to?

Wallace: Yes. It’s all in your objective interest. The objective material tendency of this interview is heading in that direction. TINA.

Jezza: That’s very comforting. I know a fellow admirer of the dialectic when I see one. Read the full story

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Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable


Melville, Montana – Just last Tuesday, Todd Johansen, loan manager of the local Bank of America, came home to find his wife, Karen, sitting deliberately at the kitchen table.

“He’d called my cell during lunch and said it would be another ‘late night at the office,’” she said. “I admit I was getting more than a little suspicious, and thought that I’d finally find out what was going on.”

“Nothing was going on,” Todd said with a sheepish grin and a shrug. “Things had just been tight at the office since Bob retired and no one had been hired to replace him.”

“But I didn’t know that at the time, so when he came home, I kind of got carried away and started yelling.”

Todd nodded. “That was about when I said, ‘I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition,’ and then –”

Suddenly, the door behind me burst open and three men in red jumped in from the kitchen. The leader lurched forward, a gold cross dangling from the chain around his neck, and bellowed, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”

Taken aback, I glanced at Todd and Karen.

“Just like that,” Karen told me, pointing at the newcomers.

“Our 18 chief weapons are…”

“Ooh, 18 this time!” Todd exclaimed, shifting in his seat, clearly eager to hear the rest.

“Are…” the leader started, “Amongst… Our 18… chief, but not all inclusive, weaponry are: Fear and surprise, surprise and fear, and a ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, wealthy friends, oil for the chains, these nice red uniforms – really, feel them, aren’t they soft?”

They were, indeed, quite soft. Almost velvet, and yet with a sheen of silk. Both Todd and Karen gave satisfied nods before the leader stepped back to continue.

“Right. Spears and nun chucks, nun chucks and spears, a hand grenade or two, no three, comfy chairs, an iTunes gift card, politicians friendly to the cause, a philosophy degree, these cool hats, a turbo-charged VW Beetle, a stretching rack, baseball bats, and a defunct partridge in a pear tree… Are…”

One of the leader’s compatriots tapped him on the shoulder, holding up four fingers. One of the things he whispered in the leader’s ear was the word “nineteen.”

“Amongst…” the leader shouted at us before turning to the other and hurriedly whispering, “are you sure?”

The three of them clustered into a huddle back by the china cabinet. From what we could hear, the leader seemed to think that “spears and nun chucks” were only one item. The others seemed to be in disagreement. Todd watched on in rapt attention to their antics. Karen was pleasantly bemused.

With a sudden flourish, the three of them jumped from their huddle and back into our midst. The leader stepped forward, took a great, long, prominent inhale, then shouted “We’ll come again!” and they all flew back out the door.

“Well,” Todd said, then added, “there you have it.”

“And if you say ‘I wasn’t expecting…’”

“Yep,” he cut me off. “They’ll come bounding back in. It’s happened every time since that first time last Tuesday.”

“It’s quite fun to do, sometimes,” Karen stated.

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Exclusive Interview: Julianna Rose Mauriello – Stephanie from LazyTown


Following a number of articles on Glossy News, Julianna Rose Mauriello, formerly Stephanie of LazyTown fame, agreed to sit down with us for an exclusive interview over Skype.

READ ALSO:
Stephanie from LazyTown Arrested for Prostitution?
Julianna Rose Maurelio, Stephanie from LazyTown, Dead of Apparent Suicide Overdose
Bikini & lingerie photos of Julianna Rose Mauriello (Stephanie from LazyTown) as an adult
Take the Unbeatable GlossyNews Bible Quiz

The interview is here, as follows:

Read the full story

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Glossy News Exclusive! Interview with Mr. Potato Head


Today we interview that star of toy stores and famed actor from the films Toy Story 1,2 and 3, Mr. Potato Head! Visiting him in his penthouse at the Farmer’s Market in Manhattan he spills the beans on his illustrious life:

A hearty greetings to you, Mr. Potato Head! Thank you for doing this interview with us. Where is it you are from?
Illinois, but my roots are in Idaho. Read the full story

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An Interview With Philip Glass During the Apocalypse


New York – In the refined New York home of Philip Glass, the great American minimalist pianist, we discussed the finer points of symphonic and chamber music over cheese and 10-year old Merlot wine.

Q: When you first began playing the piano, who were the composers that you found most influential?

A: I really enjoyed the compositions of my pet rock, Barney. I used to let him lay on the keyboard and play a single note for hours on end. It was an epiphany… Read the full story

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Exclusive Interview with Kanye West


I recently had the opportunity to sit down and speak with one of the most popular and successful hip-hop artists of our time: Mr. Kanye West. The following is a transcript of our interview.

BDF: Good morning. It’s truly an honor to be able to get to meet with you.

MR. WEST: Yeah, it is.

BDF: Do you mind if I call you Kanye?

MR. WEST: Naw. Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Interview Accidentally Ruined by Candor


Recently I had a dream that one of my publications was big enough and safe enough that I could get an interview with Mitt Romney. The thought of someone having enough access and gravitas to actually ask a hard question is indeed “just a dream”, but the following interview gets pretty close.

Derek Johnstone is an Urban Outfitter-attired 30-something hipster from Seattle, and he’s the associate editor of “Like, Whatever” Magazine… the quotation marks are part of the title, meant apparently to be ironic.

Johnstone was brought in to consult the campaign on how to win over the independent vote, and what follows is their exchange.

Mitt Romney – [sarcastically] Boy, you really dressed up for this meeting, didn’t you?

Derek Johnstone – See, that’s the problem. Just like telling the people in single-use ponchos they “really sprung for the big bucks.” You failed the first test independents care about, you’re a condescending a**hole.

Romney – Look, I don’t appreciate that kind of language.

Johnstone – And you failed the second test. You’re a fuddy-duddy. Like when you called the cops on those people smoking pot on the beach.

Romney – I don’t have to deal with this guy.

Johnstone – And you failed another test. You can’t disengage just because it’s not convenient.

Romney – Are we finished here?

Johnstone – Why are you running for president?

Romney – This meeting is over.

Johnstone – Wrong. Fail. Try again. Why are you running for president?

Romney – Because I have a vision that will lead this country forward–

Johnstone–Really? Because that’s not how you’re running your campaign. You’re running like you’re entitled to be president and you’re just waiting for the huddled masses to come around and realize it.

Romney – My experience–

Johnstone – Which experience? As governor, CEO or just your individual success story, because we’re not allowed to talk about any of those. You’ve got the [Salt Lake City] Olympics but you gaffed that up, not to mention that we can’t talk about it either. You just shut us down and say we’re supposed to focus on the economy.

Romney – But the economy is in serious trouble.

Johnstone – Right, and nothing you have proposed will fix that. You’ve already convinced the base, but just wishing hard enough isn’t going to convince independents that the policies that put America in trouble in the first place are somehow magically going to pull us back out of them.

Romney – But [independents] don’t know what my policies are.

Johnstone – Right, because you haven’t actually stood up for anything except the Ryan plan, which is at best a disaster and at worst a looting of the treasury to benefit the super-rich.

Romney – We need to take action, and fast, if we’re going to take back America.

Johnstone – Take it back from whom, exactly? Take it back to where? Most of us are better off now than we were when Bush left office.

Romney – We need to take it back to balanced budgets, for one thing.

Johnstone – How are you going to do that?

Romney – Well I’ll meet with top policy advisers and come up with–

Johnstone –You won’t tell us your policies? It’s kind of a big deal. It’s kind of the whole deal. You won’t tell us your policies, you won’t release your tax returns, you won’t let us talk about Bain or your time in Massachusetes. What’s left that we’re actually aloud to talk about, what you say on the campaign trail?

Romney – The media has been very unfair to me out there.

Johnstone – Grow up. They’ve been easy on you to make it look like a closer race because that sells newspapers. They haven’t called you out as a liar for your constant flip-flops and outright fabrications.

Romney – Are you calling me a liar?

Johnstone – No, I’m saying the sky is green. Get real. You lie constantly. Let me show you by asking you a favor. I’m coming into some money soon from an inheritance, tax-free, mind you. What should I invest it in?

Romney – Blue chip stocks are always a safe bet. Maybe an Index Mutual Fund.

Johnstone – So you admit that all my pennies from heaven shouldn’t be used to create jobs. The whole deal where you call rich people “job creators” is a lie and everybody knows it. Me having extra cash I don’t need and dumping it in Coca-Cola or Home Depot is good for me and my money, but it won’t create a single job.

Romney – I think we’re finished here.

Johnstone – If you can’t have a frank discussion with one independent, how can you ever expect to win the votes from any of us?

[end]

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Gun Enthusiasts Enthusiastic Following Theater Shooting


I recently had the great fortune to talk to Guy Fortescue, head of the NRA chapter in Lexington, Kentucky, about the Second Amendment and what he’d previously described to me as the “integral American liberty to carry guns.” What follows is a transcription of our meeting, where we discussed why carrying guns would’ve prevented the theater shooting in Colorado. Read the full story

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Dan Rather: CBS Spiked Biden “60 Minutes” Interview


Former CBS Anchor Dan Rather charged today that the network recently spiked a “60 Minutes” interview with Vice President Joe Biden under pressure from the White House. “I heard that Rahm Emanuel previewed the tape and found Biden harder to swallow than day-old habanero chili,” Rather said. Read the full story

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