Tag Archive | "congress"

Health Care Bill Passage Assured: Vampires Now On Board

Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — Speaking from Baltimore’s famed Holly Oaks Cemetery, last resting place of author Edgar Allen Polk, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today revealed a strategy so stunning, even seasoned Washington wonks looked up from their pools of vomit and urine at DC’s famed “Make It Look Like a Business Expense” bistro.

Pelosi, brimming with confidence, said she’s no longer pandering for the recalcitrant pro-life Dem vote; she now has the pro-unlife vote securely in her corner. Read the full story


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Ethics Committee Investigation Finds Rep. Eric Massa “Icky”

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — Former New York Representative Eric Massa admitted to groping male staff members, but claims that he never behaved in a sexually inappropriate manner. Massa, age 50, went a step further and told reporters that he didn’t think rough-play with other men unusual. But aides and staffers didn’t seem to share Massa’s fondness for horsing around. One aide said, “It’s like that old song. You say tomato, I say molestation.” Read the full story


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Same-Sex Marriage Now Legal in Washington, DC

Half of Congress already reported to have applied for licenses.


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Tom Tancredo’s Teen Traveling Companion Shot Dead in Georgia Convenience Store

DENVER, Colorado — As an advocate for eugenics, former Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo is hardly a trailblazer. He follows in the footsteps of pioneers such as Strom Thurmond, George Wallace and David Duke. But what Tancredo lacks in originality, he makes up for in spirit. Read the full story


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Congress Proposes Replacing 2010 Election w/ “Psychic Estimate” Index

hWashington, DC (GlossyNews): House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, met with the press and Congressional leaders today to discuss replacing the 2010 mid-term election cycle with a “psychic estimate” of the voters’ true intent.

“There are just so many distractions and inherent inequalities in the current electoral process, we have to seriously question whether a fair electron is even possible,” Pelosi stated. Read the full story


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The Faux Tan Man (Captain Orange Strikes Again)

Mr. Tan Man, lend me your ear
Your type of thinking, I find very queer….

Who are the people who have run against John Beohner every two years since he entered Congress in 1990? I really must do a google search on this subject. Given the type of Congressman he is, these people, whomever they are, must have been perfectly horrible candidates. That can be the only possible explanation. The voters of Ohio can’t be that dumb, can they? Read the full story


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Congress: Health Care Reform to be Funded by Mysterious Nigerian Prince

Washington, DC: Congressional Representatives from both sides of the aisle celebrated today with the announcement of an offer to completely fund American health care reform via e-mail from a mysterious Nigerian prince.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters at a Capitol Hill news conference, initial contact with Prince D’Uod Mababe was made by Pelosi herself. Read the full story


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Congress Recognizes Its Own Bipartisan Sexuality (Bisexuality?)

Washington DC – The studies have been released and the news sure isn’t pretty. Both houses of Congress – the Senate and the Representatives– have been shown to come up short dealing with their own bisexuality. Read the full story


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GOP Leader Tells Cancer Victim to “Beg for Charity”

US House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va.) wins the award for Scumbag Politician of the Week – a widely contested prize around Congress these past few years – with both Democrats and Republics running neck and neck in the qualifying heats. Read the full story


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Congress Places Bill of Rights Up for Auction on eBay

Washington, DC (BSNE): Amid much fanfare, Congressional leaders from both parties announced a new series of aggressive raise revenues to off set the skyrocketing Federal Budget Deficit. At the top of the Initiative is to offer the Bill of Rights for sale to interested parties on eBay. Read the full story


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Foundation to Launch “Cash for Congressional Clunkers” Program

New York — The Foundation to Preserve American Values, a private philanthropic group, announced at a news conference today that it will distribute up to one billion dollars in grants to selected members of Congress. Ralph Warren, President of the FPAV, called the initiative, “Cash for Congressional Clunkers.” Read the full story


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