Tag Archive | "congress"

Debt Ceiling Debate Came Down to Rock, Paper, Scissors


EDITOR’S NOTE: ARTICLE WRITTEN BEFORE AGREEMENT WAS REACHED – After recent discussions in Congress over John Boehner and Harry Reid’s plans to solve the debt ceiling crisis dissolved into gavel smashing and cross-aisle spitting, political analysts have predicted that the fate of the country’s credit rating might boil down to petty children’s games like Shoots and Ladders, Candy Land, or a Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament. Read the full story

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Government Unexpectedly Shut Down by Whiplash Epidemic


People who earn horse choking sums by predicting events that never come to pass find themselves choking in light of the current government shutdown.

Consensus among pundits had predicted an imminent budget showdown due to efforts of Democrats eager to portray the GOP as heartless, and freshmen Republicans ready to demonstrate their budget cutting bona fides. Nobody foresaw that government shutdown would come due to the hospitalization of the entire Senate and House of Representatives. Read the full story

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House Passes Historic “Earmarks Only” Bill


Washington, DC – GlossyNews.com – The U.S. House of Representatives today passed the bipartisan $500 million No Districts Left Behind Bill by a vote of 399 to 36.

An historical departure from the governing body’s usual practice of adding pork projects as bribes for their support, the NELB entirely dispenses with the pretense of legislating in the national public interest. Read the full story

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Crayola Announces New “John Boehner Orange” Crayon Color


Pumpkin Place, Ohio (GlossyNews) —The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

The iconic Crayola crayon company announced it will introduce a new crayon color, “John Boehner Orange,” based on what it calls the “distinctive, even unique, hues and shades” of the House Speaker’s perpetual tan.

Sources say the new Boehner-inspired color is a carefully crafted mixture of Crayola’s classic Burnt Orange and its newer Neon Carrot and Mango Tango hues. Read the full story

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Steps to Remedy Sophomoric Behavior Expected at SOTU Address


Whoever came up with the term “date night” to describe the seating arrangements anticipated at the President’s State of the Union Address on Tuesday night has a good handle on just how juvenile the behavior of some of our lawmakers has become. When it comes down to actually having to physically require Democrats to sit with Republicans and vice versa to give the appearance of bi-partisanship, we are in deep, deep trouble. Read the full story

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GOP Announces “No Millionaire Left Behind” Tax Reform


PARK PLACE HOTEL, NY (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In the latest Congressional wrangling over tax policy, Republicans proposed sweeping new reforms, dubbed “No Millionaire Left Behind,” that would permanently slash taxes for the wealthiest Americans.

“The American people would rather starve than see our most successful citizens hit by higher taxes,’” said GOP House leader John Boehner. “And my proposal takes an important step in that direction.” Read the full story

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GOP Pledges Rich Can Get Richer, Sick Can Die Broke


Wornolde Points, Ohio (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. News organizations around the world are analyzing the political, economic and policy implications of the recently released GOP “Pledge to America.” But the story doesn’t end there.

In an exclusive interview from his favorite tanning salon, GOP House leader John Boehner revealed ten additional promises in the Pledge to America that “didn’t make the first cut, but make a lot of sense.” Read the full story

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Pelosi Rampant Blinking Deciphered As Secret Code To UFO Mothership


Agents at the NSA have finally broken an ultra secret code that has thwarted the intelligence agency for almost 25 years. The suspect breach of national security was discovered during a Congressional speech that was televised in 1985. The 45 minute speech was given by Congresswomen Nancy Pelosi as she addressed the Congressional Investigative Committee for Unidentified Flying Objects. Read the full story

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Faulty Air Valve Causes Pelosi’s Head to Deflate During Televised Address


It was a sight so disturbing that parents covered children’s eyes as they, themselves, gasped at the horrifying images being played on TV screens across America. It too horrified other members of Congress so severely, that Capitol Police were called and rushed into the Capitol Broadcast Studios with guns drawn. Read the full story

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Actor Gary Coleman Finally Buried In Brief Ceremony


HOLLYWOOD (GlossyNews) — Citing a lack of sufficient funds for a proper burial, the ex-wife of actor Gary Coleman sold photos of the little guy’s casket to three tabloid magazines for about $500.00 in order to send him off right! Last week the checks finally arrived and little Gary was laid to rest. Read the full story

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Pelosi Debunks “Free Healthcare for Pets” by Affirming It


Botox Village, CA (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Speaking to a group of her firmest supporters, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed Democrats will introduce sweeping legislation guaranteeing free health care for all pets. While this was once viewed as a “wedge myth,” it seems the soon-to-be-ousted Speaker of the House has no qualms about settling the score once and for all. Read the full story

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Paleontologists Find Mastodon Remains in Congressmen Waxman’s Paleolithic Nostrils


Washington, DC- Glossy News(House of Representatives-Capitol Hill) Congressmen Henry Waxman (D-CA) never guessed he would be in the news for something un-related to politics, but stranger things have happened to people as strange looking as the Democratic Representative from California’s 30th District. Read the full story

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Boehner Promises Nothing From GOP


Orange, OH (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle.

House leader John Boehner vowed that if the GOP captures control of Congress this November, it will do “absolutely nothing for as long as necessary.”

Speaking to an association of tanning salon owners, Boehner candidly unveiled his party’s legislative strategy for 2011 and perhaps beyond. “Republicans strongly believe government cannot achieve much of value,” Boehner said. “And if we are successful this November, we will prove it.” Read the full story

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Jesus Added to ‘No Fly’ list


Cairo, Illinois (GlossyNews) TSA director Laurie Partridge faced harsh questions this week in her appearance before the House sub-Committee for Members We don’t know What to do With.

Ms. Partridge explained to the allegedly powerful HCMWW, the Savior of the world was in no way singled out; it shouldn’t be seen as a religion thing.

Sitting next to her legal counsel Adam Lambert, who was wearing a stylish red Versace leather jacket, Ms. Partridge said, “We don’t profile people, but we do profile people, right?” Read the full story

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Pelosi’s Secret Agenda Revealed


SAN FRANCISCO, CA (GlossyNews) — Nancy Pelosi has much to be proud about. She is the first woman in U.S. history to preside as Speaker of the House. Through her efforts as a trained whip, she rallied together the necessary support to pass the nation’s first health care reform bill, despite lock-step opposition from the GOP. Now, a recently discovered transcript of an abandoned Pelosi speech illuminates the thought process and political agendas behind this remarkable woman. The transcript is reprinted here in its original, unedited format. The Editors. Read the full story

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Healthcare Bill ‘deemed’ Passed in House – Yea or Nay Obsolete?


Washington DC (GlossyNews) — The U.S. House of Representatives passed the America’s Affordable Health Care Choices Act–without ever voting on it. With votes for passage of the bill in short supply, the House Democratic majority simply “deemed” the contentious bill as already having been passed, without any members having to go on record as actually having voted for it.

“Thanks to Democratic legislative ingenuity, affordable health care for all will soon be the law of the land,” exulted Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “The days of votist obstructionism are over: ‘Yea or Nay’ is a thing of the past. Cap and Trade, here we come!” Read the full story

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