Tag Archive | "congress"

John Boehner; the Heart of the Party Without a Heart


Speaker of the house, Republican Congressman John Boehner, today spoke out against the recent change in position of Republican Senator Rob Portman regarding the issue of marriage equality.

Senator Portman recently changed his position on marriage equality after relaying the news that his own son had decided to be gay.

» Discuss this story on Reddit!

Normally a story like this would gather the oohs and ahhs of the general population, but the speaker of the house decided to show just how firm their party was to any suggestion of being moved by any example of parental love that could possibly impact a human into changing any section of the republican party platform. Read the full story

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Morons Protest Lack of Equality


Local news is reporting that traffic has been shut down in Washington, D.C. after a new protest movement took to the streets to demand equality legislation for morons.

The massive throng of over 1 million morons arrived on Constitution Avenue just after 7am and began screaming at the National Museum of Art in hopes that their rights would be recognized.

Some protesters wore t-shirts reading “I’m a moron—get over it,” while others chewed furiously on rectal thermometers and faced reporters to explain the movement’s goals. Read the full story

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Disney Expected to Lobby for Term Extension


Many may not realize this fact, but because Frank Churchill died in 1942, the music of ‘Never Smile at a Crocodile’ from the feature length animated version of ‘Peter Pan’ is set to enter the Public Domain across the EEA on 01/01/2013.

As such, I fully expect the Walt Disney Company to start bribing lobbying the European Parliament as hard as it can to create an EU version of the MMPA Sonny Bono CTEA. Read the full story

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Fiscal Cliff Progress: Obama, Boehner Agree 16,375,434,000,001 “a Real Number”


As President Barack Obama and House Majority Leader John Boehner continue “fiscal cliff” negotiations, preliminary reports say that despite the inability of the human brain to conceptualize 16 trillion units of anything, both men have agreed to pretend that’s how much debt the U.S. has incurred.

The news comes as a relief to many Americans who have been worrying that division along party lines is preventing any real resolution to the country’s economic woes. Read the full story

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Republicans Find God, Win Epic Game of Hide & Seek


Senator Chris Coons’ office has sent out a short brief detailing how the Congressman has finally found God, and put an end to a millennia-long game of hide and seek.

Asked to comment about his Earth-shaking discovery, Senator Coons had this to say:

“He was in the living room. Jesus Christ! He was in the living room! How could I have missed Him for so long?” Read the full story

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Bus Ad Tells Congress: Don’t Support Hamas


The Los Angeles-based Israel advocacy group Stand With Us has begun running bus advertisements in San Francisco asking the U.S. Congress not to support the Palestinian resistance group Hamas. According to spokesperson Dr. Macho Harass, the level of Congressional support for Hamas has reached alarming levels. Read the full story

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Senator Joe Manchin has Existential Crisis after Reading Facebook Comment


Facebook vigilante, Bobby D. Foster’s has struck yet another Senator.

The unprovoked Facebook comment reads as follows:

Dear Senator Manchin,

I just wanted to inform you that I am quite disappointed that your chin is not as manly as you name suggests. Have a nice day.

-BDF

The actual comment can be found here on Facebook. Read the full story

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Senator Alexander’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment


Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile.

The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which warned against the dangers of the looming fiscal cliff.

The following is a direct transcription of the comment:

“Dear Senator Alexander,
I just wanted to agree with you that heading toward a fiscal cliff is absolutely terrifying. Unless, of course, you have a fiscal hang glider. Then it would be pretty fiscally radical. Have a nice day.
-BDF”

The actual comment can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/405187662880509/.

The Extreme Sports League of America’s spokeswoman, Laurie Greatstone, has come out in protest against the remark.

“Fiscal hang gliding is a stupendously dangerous,” announced Ms. Greatstone at a recent press conference called in response to the post, “Dozens of amateurs died during last year’s fiscal cliff debacle. Encouraging others to take part in a sport that takes decades to master by calling it “pretty fiscally radical” is not only stupid, but also criminally irresponsible.”

Asked about the comment, Senator Alexander had this to say:

You damned kids with your newfangled roller blades, and walkmans, and fiscal hang gliders! Get the hell off my porch! (We were standing in the middle of the Capitol rotunda at the time of that quote)

The only known suspect, one Bobby D. Foster, who posted the comment, remains at large. If you have any information that could lead to his capture, please inform the Internet Police immediately.

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Senator Rubio’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment


Freshman U.S. Senator Marco Rubio has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile.

The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which claimed, “Rubio slams Obama, Biden on economy.”

The following is a direct transcription of the comment:

“Dear Senator Rubio,

Your speech in Nevada was absolutely ravishing. I loved watching you mercilessly slam Obama and Biden over and over. You gave the president a real mouthful.

You just kept vigorously inserting knock after knock. I remember thinking to myself: how can Rubio possibly take these two guys at the same time? Is his endurance going to hold up? Is he going to get overwhelmed or tired and finish early?

But no! You stayed strong throughout. You lubed up the crowd and really got them to go down on your side. They were screaming for more and more! And you gave it to them. And when you did finally finish, I couldn’t help but burst at the rhetorical coup you just handed the Republicans. Then I fell asleep.”

The actual comment can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=284706728311990&set=o.405187662880509&type=3&theater.

When asked to opine on the matter, Senator Rubio had the following to say:

“My Facebook profile? Really? You guys know I don’t ever check that thing. I get over 100 comments a day.”

Daniel Polanski, Rubio’s part-time social media intern was not as lucky as his boss. He was recently admitted to Georgetown University for near fatal exposure to innuendo.

“The double entendre…” muttered Daniel when I visited in the hospital ward, “It was just…it was just…it just kept coming, you know? All over me. I couldn’t take it all at the same time. It just penetrated so deep…into my soul. But I kept at it because I figured…if I took it out…of context…and went down fast…down the page…then it would end quickly, but it was just…it wouldn’t stop coming! The puns…the insinuation…they just wouldn’t stop!”

Daniel then lapsed into a coma.

The only known suspect, one Bobby D. Foster, who posted the comment, remains at large. When I confronted the chief FBI investigator concerning the slow pace of his investigation, he spilled his whiskey and soda down his bathrobe, let out a high pitched scream, asked me how the hell I’d gotten into his basement den, and promptly threw me out of his house.

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Bobby D. Foster, immediately report him to the Internet Police.

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Launch of a Campaign to Mildly Harass Congress


So, a little while ago, I wrote this little ditty about how Congress’ approval rating had fallen below 0%.

It was born mostly out of frustration with our political leaders’ absolute inability to do anything other than name post offices.

This was combined, of course, with a moderate sense of boredom because there did not appear to be anything to watch on TV at the time.

The story did pretty well. It was published by GlossyNews, as well as a bunch of different venues, got three and a half thousand individual hits (thanks to Brian’s awesome dissemination skills), and hopefully raised a few chuckles. Read the full story

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Republicans Vote to Repeal Libya


Washington D.C. – Republican lawmakers today voted to repeal the country of Libya from the world for “causing too much trouble.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor held up a map, pointed to what he thought was Libya and proposed legislation to repeal the nation.

Democratic members of the House quickly explained to Cantor that he was actually pointing to the North Pole and that the map was actually a Macy’s Christmas catalog from 1998. Read the full story

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Congressman Todd Akin: I was raped and did not become pregnant


Congressman Todd Akin of Missouri fueled the flames of controversy about his statements on “legitimate rape” when he revealed to this reporter that he was himself a victim of rape and had not become pregnant.

“The criticism that I am ignorant about rape and its consequences is totally unfounded,” he declared.

“I was raped and did not become pregnant, and that is why I am more qualified than most to speak to this issue.” Read the full story

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U.S. Congress Sets Fixed Price on Free Speech


A bill explicitly stating that American citizens will be allocated 1 second of free speech for every $10,000 they make a year has made its way through the Senate subcommittee process. The following is the official transcript of the final hearing:

2012

A BILL TO CODIFY, GUARD, AND BOLSTER FREE SPEECH RIGHTS IN THE UNITED STATES

HEARING

BEFORE THE

SUBCOMMITTEE ON THE CONSTITUTION, CIVIL RIGHTS, AND HUMAN RIGHTS

OF THE
COMMITTEE OF THE JUDICIARY Read the full story

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U.S. Congressional Approval Falls Below 0%


The U.S. House of Representatives recently held a hearing concerning the revelation that Congress’ approval rating hit the unprecedented low of -0.4%. The following is a transcript of that hearing.

CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL RATING FALLS BELOW 0%

2012

HEARING

BEFORE THE

SUBCOMMITTEE ON GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATION, EFFICIENCY AND FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT Read the full story

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U.S. House of Representatives Votes to Abolish Satire


The United States House of Representatives has recently conducted a bipartisan vote to abolish all forms of satire within the country in a move clearly designed to belie the widely held notion that Congress is the place where good ideas go to die. The following are transcripts from the subcommittee hearing and floor debate that led to the aforementioned vote. Read the full story

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Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report


After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago on global warming. Read the full story

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