After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago on global warming.

As the head of a team assigned by Congress, Dr. Dietrich managed over a dozen mathematicians and scientists tasked with estimating the mean temperature in 2035 by extrapolating world temperature data from the last 80 years.

It took Dietrich’s team five weeks to prepare the report, after which it was sent to Congress and then made public. It was several days later, on August 2, that Carl Bombelli, a concerned citizen, noticed that some of the numbers in the report seemed a bit off. After investigating for several hours with a pocket calculator and a whiteboard, Bombelli discovered what he believed to be evidence that Dietrich had been using completely imaginary numbers. Bombelli reported his findings to the FBI.

On August 5, after advisement from the FBI, Congress convened the Congressional Investigation Committee (CIC) which did a full investigation into Dietrich and his report. After considerable inquiry into the matter, the CIC found that Dietrich referenced the square root of negative one in three of his equations. After finding that no such number exists the CIC concluded that Dietrich did in fact intentionally and maliciously use completely imaginary numbers. The CIC made an official recommendation that Dietrich resign and further promised to consider criminal charges in the coming weeks.

67% of the three people we polled were appalled and outraged but not really surprised that the damn liberals have resorted to using completely imaginary numbers.

We caught up with Dietrich at an ice cream shop in Dallas and asked him, “Did you really use imaginary numbers in your report on global warming?”

“Yeah, so?” answered Dietrich, licking his chocolate covered waffle cone.

“Was it an accident?”

“Of course not!” Dietrich crunched on his waffle cone.

“So it was malicious.”

“What!?”

We left it at that because Dietrich seemed a little confused and a bit agitated. Plus we we wanted to finish our ice cream before it melted.

EDITOR’S NOTE: ARTICLE WRITTEN BEFORE AGREEMENT WAS REACHED – After recent discussions in Congress over John Boehner and Harry Reid’s plans to solve the debt ceiling crisis dissolved into gavel smashing and cross-aisle spitting, political analysts have predicted that the fate of the country’s credit rating might boil down to petty children’s games like Shoots and Ladders, Candy Land, or a Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament. Read the full story

People who earn horse choking sums by predicting events that never come to pass find themselves choking in light of the current government shutdown.

Consensus among pundits had predicted an imminent budget showdown due to efforts of Democrats eager to portray the GOP as heartless, and freshmen Republicans ready to demonstrate their budget cutting bona fides. Nobody foresaw that government shutdown would come due to the hospitalization of the entire Senate and House of Representatives. Read the full story

John Boner [sic] made a last-minute deal with Harry Reid to keep the country running on a day-to-day basis. Though the Tea Party feels the cuts weren’t deep enough, others feel the democratic concessions went too far. Here are some of the many cuts approved and accepted by the dems and repubes. Read the full story

Washington, DC – GlossyNews.com – The U.S. House of Representatives today passed the bipartisan $500 million No Districts Left Behind Bill by a vote of 399 to 36.

An historical departure from the governing body’s usual practice of adding pork projects as bribes for their support, the NELB entirely dispenses with the pretense of legislating in the national public interest. Read the full story

Pumpkin Place, Ohio (GlossyNews) —The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

The iconic Crayola crayon company announced it will introduce a new crayon color, “John Boehner Orange,” based on what it calls the “distinctive, even unique, hues and shades” of the House Speaker’s perpetual tan.

Sources say the new Boehner-inspired color is a carefully crafted mixture of Crayola’s classic Burnt Orange and its newer Neon Carrot and Mango Tango hues. Read the full story

Whoever came up with the term “date night” to describe the seating arrangements anticipated at the President’s State of the Union Address on Tuesday night has a good handle on just how juvenile the behavior of some of our lawmakers has become. When it comes down to actually having to physically require Democrats to sit with Republicans and vice versa to give the appearance of bi-partisanship, we are in deep, deep trouble. Read the full story

PARK PLACE HOTEL, NY (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In the latest Congressional wrangling over tax policy, Republicans proposed sweeping new reforms, dubbed “No Millionaire Left Behind,” that would permanently slash taxes for the wealthiest Americans.

“The American people would rather starve than see our most successful citizens hit by higher taxes,’” said GOP House leader John Boehner. “And my proposal takes an important step in that direction.” Read the full story

Wornolde Points, Ohio (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. News organizations around the world are analyzing the political, economic and policy implications of the recently released GOP “Pledge to America.” But the story doesn’t end there.

In an exclusive interview from his favorite tanning salon, GOP House leader John Boehner revealed ten additional promises in the Pledge to America that “didn’t make the first cut, but make a lot of sense.” Read the full story

Agents at the NSA have finally broken an ultra secret code that has thwarted the intelligence agency for almost 25 years. The suspect breach of national security was discovered during a Congressional speech that was televised in 1985. The 45 minute speech was given by Congresswomen Nancy Pelosi as she addressed the Congressional Investigative Committee for Unidentified Flying Objects. Read the full story

It was a sight so disturbing that parents covered children’s eyes as they, themselves, gasped at the horrifying images being played on TV screens across America. It too horrified other members of Congress so severely, that Capitol Police were called and rushed into the Capitol Broadcast Studios with guns drawn. Read the full story

HOLLYWOOD (GlossyNews) — Citing a lack of sufficient funds for a proper burial, the ex-wife of actor Gary Coleman sold photos of the little guy’s casket to three tabloid magazines for about $500.00 in order to send him off right! Last week the checks finally arrived and little Gary was laid to rest. Read the full story

Botox Village, CA (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Speaking to a group of her firmest supporters, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed Democrats will introduce sweeping legislation guaranteeing free health care for all pets. While this was once viewed as a “wedge myth,” it seems the soon-to-be-ousted Speaker of the House has no qualms about settling the score once and for all. Read the full story

Washington, DC- Glossy News – (House of Representatives-Capitol Hill) Congressmen Henry Waxman (D-CA) never guessed he would be in the news for something un-related to politics, but stranger things have happened to people as strange looking as the Democratic Representative from California’s 30th District. Read the full story

Orange, OH (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle.

House leader John Boehner vowed that if the GOP captures control of Congress this November, it will do “absolutely nothing for as long as necessary.”

Speaking to an association of tanning salon owners, Boehner candidly unveiled his party’s legislative strategy for 2011 and perhaps beyond. “Republicans strongly believe government cannot achieve much of value,” Boehner said. “And if we are successful this November, we will prove it.” Read the full story

Cairo, Illinois (GlossyNews) TSA director Laurie Partridge faced harsh questions this week in her appearance before the House sub-Committee for Members We don’t know What to do With.

Ms. Partridge explained to the allegedly powerful HCMWW, the Savior of the world was in no way singled out; it shouldn’t be seen as a religion thing.

Sitting next to her legal counsel Adam Lambert, who was wearing a stylish red Versace leather jacket, Ms. Partridge said, “We don’t profile people, but we do profile people, right?” Read the full story