GREENBAY, WI (GlossyNews) — In a surprising and unexpected career move, Brett Favre officially announced today that he is retiring from fatherhood.
“Since I have returned to the game I love, my attention will be shifting away from my family and back to football,” Favre told reporters during a mandatory practice earlier today. He added, “I’m sure my wife and children will get over it. I’ve given up on them before.”
So what does this say about Brett Favre, the human being, as opposed to Brett Favre, the football player?
“I pretty much suck,” Favre continued. “I’m a worthless human being. And honestly, if you look at my football statistics, I’m not much better an athlete either.”
Joe Maddon, a Favre fan from Indiana, said, “I hate to admit it, but Favre is a giant turd. I’m not sure why I adore him so much. I assume it’s because his grizzled beard makes him look human. Well, actually it makes him look like a bear. A cuddly one. Who throws a football.”
Bears have been known to evoke adoration in the past. But no bear, as far as research has shown, has ever left its family for the sake of football. Granted, bears live in forests and don’t have much skill in football, but regardless of this, they take care of and protect their families. So should Favre even be mentioned in the same breath as a bear?
“Absolutely not,” says Irving Litschbaum, Professor in Marine Biology at Northwestern University.
He explains, “To constantly compare Favre to various species of bear is cruelly unfair to all ursine animals. Yes, his beard is epic. But he throws a lot of interceptions. You couldn’t name an animal that has ever thrown one interception in a National Football League game.”
Before we could ask Brett Favre for his reaction to the criticism, GlossyNews staffers found out that he had already scheduled a press conference to formally announce his un-retirement from his family, expected to take place later today. He also scheduled a press conference for early next week to announce his intention to retire again.
In a press conference later in the day, former Alaska Governorette Sarah Palin said that Favre was a ‘hero’ who had to quit fatherhood in order to be a better parent.
“Makes sense to me,” said Palin.