Columbus, OH – A mother and daughter wait in a sterile examining room. The daughter shifts uncomfortably on the crinkly paper sheet atop the standard issue table bed. The news from the doctor is grim: the girl may never hear again.
“What?” the girl replies. It’s like the punch line to a cruel joke, but no one’s laughing.
The cause of this heartbreaking scene is an alarming new trend among teenagers that has come to be known as E.C.S. Ear canal sex or auditory intercourse is quickly replacing the blowjob as the new “It” sexual act. On the streets it’s known as “The Sound of Love” or “Cupid’s Whisper” and is the current 8 dollar special of some of Sandusky’s finest ladies of the evening.
“It just feels good”, says Sandra L., local high school student. “I love Brett and it just feels good to let him express his love for me in such a physical way, especially since I’m staying a virgin until we get married. It’s just the purest and safest way for now.” Sandra couldn’t be more wrong.
The dangers of ECS are as varied as they are obvious. Bleeding from the ear, hearing loss, lobe widening, broken drum syndrome, and even death by brain damage (depending on the size of the male involved). Let us not forget the incredibly rare but deadly STD known as “Hearing AIDS”.
The dangers for men are equally frightening. Severe cases of waxy buildup have been reported below the waistline in 70% of high school males, 98% among those who are on the football team.
But even with all of these dangers, the popularity of ECS is wide spreading and gaining momentum each day. This is no doubt due to celebrity endorsement of this lewd act. It’s common knowledge that frequent “Lobers” in Hollywood include: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Pink, Lindsey Lohan, Hillary Duff, Madonna, Demi Moore, and 3 out of 4 Olsen twin ears. It is even said the Li’l Jon’s catchphrase, “What?!” is referencing ECS.
“Despite the hype, you just have to say no.” Says Dr. Wilheim Spanders. “Kids, you need to listen up. Girls, clean the gunk out of your ears (some of you I mean that literally) and just say no to ECS.”
Worked with kids before. After the debunked rainbow party scare a few years ago I looked in to what kids are doing and this isn’t that far fetched. No I don’t have pictures so please don’t ask.