LOS ANGELES-Forensic investigators (right) search a house for evidence after a reliable source reported that a middle-aged man allegedly consumed an entire Fig Newton and “actually enjoyed it”.
The criminal’s name will be kept private for obvious safety reasons and there is no word, yet, regarding how much time passed before his stomach was pumped. This is only the second Fig Newton related case confirmed in the United States within the last year.
Of course, with such a shocking story in the news, political figures alike have decided to speak up. In an interview on Jay Leno the Keebler Elf said, “It’s just a disgusting act, Jay, simple as that” and earlier this week cookie monster spoke out on twitter writing, “Fig Newtons LOL…I don’t even eat that shit…smh”
We were also able to reach the local police department for a statement:
“Because this is still an ongoing investigation we can not release information as to what kind of flavor [the cookie] was (Apple, Fig, Strawberry), but I can tell you that the suspect is in custody and will most likely be facing long term imprisonment.
He went on to say:
“At this point all we can do is be there to educate our children about alternatives such as Oreos, Animal Crackers, etc.. and just be aware that police enforcement is increasing to stop these incidents, especially on the roads.”
Unfortunately Whole Foods would not return our calls and Nabisco is currently under investigation. No arrests have been made.
Well clearly this is satire. I actually had a fig newton recently, and it was so disappointing. Truly it sucked. All the calories, none of the joy.