Las Vegas, NV—Christopher Nicholas Kratsas is not your typical Greek American. He comes from a long line of family members that desperately tried to embrace America by reversing Greek stereotypes.
Unfortunately for the Kratsas family, this task was made more difficult as they unintentionally brought something with them- other than a prominent unibrow- on their boat ride to Ellis Island in 1928.
The Kratsas family also brought a “κατάρα”, or curse, to America. No matter how hard they tried, the Kratsas family failed when attempting to succeed in “non” Greek professions.
Cristopher’s Grandfather, Adelpho Dimitri Kratsas, fulfilled a lifelong dream by starting a daycare center for disadvantaged children. The business seemed to be succeeding, until a pattern emerged where children kept getting their heads and arms caught under Adelpho’s swaths of gold chains when the family patriarch would hold them.
After the fire department cut the fourth child free from Grandfather Adelpho’s menacing chains, he was forced to shut down the business and reverted back to doing what he knew best and opened a clichéd Greek restaurant.
Christopher’s father, Adonis Agamemnon Kratsas, was the first Greek to open a petting zoo in America. Unfortunately he too was forced to close his business down after only 9 months due to a jealous wife threatening to go back to Greece.
The misunderstanding stemmed from female patrons mistaking the feral pelt of unabashed chest hair that flowed from his unbuttoned shirt, for that of his black pet llama, Niko. When a leggy blonde was spotted petting Adonis’s chest for the second time that day, Adonis’s wife insisted he find another job, or another wife.
Instead of shaving his chest, which could have solved the problem all together, Adonis now shaves slices of lamb off the rotating meat cone to make gyros at his father’s restaurant.
With mavericks having gone before him, it was no surprise when Christopher chose a profession that no Greek had ever worked before—an accountant, at the prestigious firm Ernst and Young. “I grew up running the cash register at my Grandfather’s restaurant. I always knew this is what I wanted to do,” said Christopher.
It looked as though he was going to finally break the curse that plagued his family for generations.
Sadly, Christopher was fired from his dream job on his favorite day of the week, casual Friday. The reason—leaving excessive amounts of pubic hair in the men’s bathroom. “I needed a straight razor and shaving cream to clean the urinals,” said night janitor Matthew Pluck, “I haven’t seen this level of flocculence since I cleaned up after the Yanni concert in 97.”
Christopher appealed the termination and demanded DNA testing to prove that the short and curlies were indeed his. Ersnt and Young supervisors simply responded by leaving a clear, unsealed zip lock bag full of the nether tresses on his desk. The undeniable bouquet of olives, feta and last night’s club stank was proof enough. Kratsas cleaned out his desk immediately.
Although he didn’t break the curse, he did break the streak of Kratsas men working at the family restaurant. Christopher is now a club promoter on the famous Las Vegas Strip; because as we all know, the Greeks know how to do disco.