Dear Hank,
I’m a happily married 48 year old woman with a wonderful husband and five great kids.
But something’s bothering me. For the last six months my husband has been coming home late several nights a week with liquor on his breath, his suit disheveled, lipstick stains on his shirt, and nasty looking welts on his neck.
The problem is, I’ve tried everything and can”t get the stains out of his shirts. It’s straining our marriage. Any suggestions?
–Suffering in Sarasota
Dear Suffering,
From what you have described, you have yourself a louse problem. What you perceive to be lipstick stains are actually being caused by the red welts on the neck. Your husband is suffering from a dread disease that can only be cured by treating him and his clothing with anti-louse cream. You can get it—called RID or Quell Lotion—from your pharmacist.
Pick up several bottles and bring it to his workplace and give to his secretary and his boss, and anyone else who works closely with him, so that they all can be cured at the same time. If you don’t do this, you will continue to see red splotches on his neck and stains on his shirts.
It is wise also to burn all of his shirts. Go outside on the front lawn, douse them in charcoal lighter fluid and set them ablaze. This is the safest way to do it. Then, since it is really a business expense, take his company credit card to one of those expensive men’s stores and surprise him by buying all new business shirts. Since this disease travels, his suits may also be affected, so burn his old suits and replace them as well.
Don’t worry about the expense, it will come out of his expense account. And as for the lotion, don’t be surprised if you get lots of calls from his co-workers asking what is going on. Feel free to tell them that you have a louse problem and you are trying to get rid of it and you are making sure it doesn’t spread.
This should take care of your louse problem once and for all.
–Hank
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NICE! Comment from Rusty pretty good too. Keep it up.
Interesting – do US pharmacies organise mail order deliveries to the UK as we can’t seem to find supplies of Quell Lotion here?
We did have a product you added to the wife’s nightly cocoa drink called ‘Suspicion Gone’ but it been taken off the market – Christ knows why – EU regulations probably.