Gulf Port, Mississippi (GlossyNews) –A swarm of wayward marine biologists descended on this region in recent days to clear carcasses from nets and scrub what few creatures left alive they could from the rapidly spreading oil spill off the coast of Louisiana Thursday.
The team, comprised of staff and students from several Gulf Coast universities, “volunteered” to assist clean-up efforts while studying environmental impacts. While cleaning feathers and fur with dish detergent, Margaret Darling, a student at Southern University in Baton Rouge, discovered what turned out to be a Cuban, of non Marxist descent, attempting to enter the U.S. illegally.
“At first, we thought he was a truck tire or Guatamalan. He was a portly fellow, hairy, with large feet. He seemed grateful to be free of the oil coating, and will be moved to a temporary habitat in Miami,” said Darling.
The Cuban, nick-named Hector de Pendejo, was resting after his ordeal and not available for comment. Darling explained ‘Hector’ attempted the swim after his boat sank some 100 feet from the Mississippi coastline. When we shouted across the police tape for comment as to how he’d strayed so far from the typical Florida landing point, we received no answer, as it’s likely he couldn’t hear us.
Darling explained that he will be returned to his natural habitat near Havana later today via National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration helicopter, but added that he may land in the only US controlled section of the island, Guantanamo Bay.
“The food is actually better there,” said Darling, “and the human pyramids ain’t bad either.” She quickly added, “Don’t print that, seriously, I don’t want that attached to me.”
As the environmental crisis expands, biologists expect to find even more hominids, but cautioned that not all of them may be of the homo-sapien variety. Dr. Kristi Bing, of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), is concerned about wide-spread, long term impact, especially on dolphins, whales and other sea-dwelling mammals, such as cubans.
“We are now seeing the full evolution of this catastrofuck,” Bing offered. “We fully expect to continue finding Cubans, Haitians, and eventually even Nicaraguans as their natural habitats are destroyed by our continued reliance on Chinese made goods imported by Wal-Mart, especially with the bumper crop of crude oil now ripe for the picking in the Gulf of Southeast Texas.”
When asked if she meant the Gulf of Mexico, Bing corrected her statement saying, “Some people call it that.”
Glossy News analysts are still trying to figure out what Kristi is talking about.