Your big mouth (or your thin-skinned fan base) has gotten you into hot water for something you said or did. It could have happened yesterday; it could have been in kindergarten. No matter the circumstance, your expected penance is an open letter apologizing for what’s come to light.
Before you begin, you need to know that the apology won’t satisfy anyone. Whatever you write won’t be accepted by your critics as you’re already dead to them.
Due to its inevitable rejection, your apology can fit in just a few tweets or be longer depending on the list of accusations against you. So use the following as a template for your personal public apology.
I am sorry it was found out that I said/did [insert accusation]. I believed it was okay at the time but now that it is out in the open, I see that it was not okay at the time, although no one had an issue with it at the time.
I am sorry if I offended anyone, especially the minority. That was not my intention. It is right that the minority (no matter how recently they cropped up) should dictate the perspective of the majority because, as the minority, they will always be oppressed and therefore the scales should not come to an equilibrium, but rather, tip in their favor.
Our current society has arrived at the pinnacle of enlightened morality. Therefore, our view of things now should be applied to things of the past so we know that what was okay then was not okay then, because it is not okay now.
I am thankful to be on the right side of history. (You must use this phrase verbatim at some point in your own letter.)
I ask for your thoughts and support as I begin sensitivity training and rehabilitation to further educate me on modern sensibilities. It changes so often it’s hard to keep up. Yet, I am willing and eager to learn.
At some point in the future, as you see an empty calendar of events with no upcoming gigs, you will look back wondering if you made the right decision. The fact is, you’ll never regrow the spine you willingly gave up for the sake of maintaining your now completely stained career.
At best, your loyal fan base will praise you for the bravery it took to slovenly grovel for mercy from the merciless. At worst, you will end up sharing a jail cell with someone like Harvey Weinstein because words now offend as much as sticks and stones hurt.