HOLLYWOOD, CA. SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET. Under pressure from media and various Christian organizations, SpongeBob Squarepants, in a rare public appearance yesterday from his home in Bikini Bottom, confirmed the many rumors circulating about his sexual orientation.
SpongeBob for the first time admitted he is gay and involved in a long-time relationship with his life partner, Patrick the Starfish. Our Derisive Duck cartoon correspondent telephoned the Nickelodeon Channel, SpongeBob’s employer, who did not return our calls.
The effect this revelation will have on SpongeBob’s television career and his employment as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab restaurant is unclear.
Some Christian groups, especially James Dobson’s Focus on the Family, have called SpongeBob part of a pro-homosexual media conspiracy designed to expose the nation’s children to the Hollywood homosexual agenda. Derisive Duck attempted to contact the Pro-Homosexual Media Conspiracy, but could not find a listing.
According to Dobson, “these seemingly innocent cartoons contain subtile enticements to lure our children into the gay lifestyle.” SpongeBob Squarepants was created in 1996 by cartoonist Stephen Hillenburg. “I created SpongeBob to be a kind of goofy, kind-hearted, innocent sponge who lives in a pineapple in Bikini Bottom and annoys most of the other characters.
The love relationship that evolved between SpongeBob and Patrick has caught me off-guard as much as everyone else. I knew they watched a lot of television together, especially a show called Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, but I had no idea!”
Somehow I think we all knew this.