Jake From State Farm
It was 2 o’clock in the morning when I awoke to the phone ringing.
It was Jake from State Farm, who I had told to never call me at home.
I hurried into the other room. I didn’t want my wife to hear. But she followed me in and said, “Come on, Jake from State Farm? Oh sure,” she said sarcastically.
Little did my wife know that Jake from State Farm and I had been seeing each other for some time. And not just to talk about auto insurance.
Should I confess to my wife it was Jake from State Farm who I had fallen for after watching all the commercials for State Farm? Secretly at work I had done some investigating who this Jake from State Farm could be and eventually we made a connection outside the State Farm office building. It was a match made in heaven. As our relationship blossomed, I even bought some car insurance from him.
My wife demanded to give her the phone. She wanted to talk to this Jake from State Farm. Yes, Jake from State Farm blurted out the truth. He really did work at State Farm. The company liked him so much they put him in its commercial. And he definitely liked hearing his name on TV.
I promise, someday I’ll get up the nerve to tell my wife what else Jake from State Farm liked to do.
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The GEICO Gecko
He appears as a happy-go-lucky lizard with a cheeky smile on his face and for some reason talking in a British Cockney accent.
But in talking to him in person, it turns out he’s not British at all or even a lizard and in fact his accent is more like he’s from Brooklyn, New York.
His secret, as he revealed to me in the dressing room following rehearsals for another ad for the GEICO insurance company, is that he’s actually an elf by the name of Willy and not happy at all, full of grievances and frustrations of having to be forced to appear in public wearing a stupid Gecko costume and sounding like a supercilious weasel. But money is money, he says.
In real life, the GEICO Gecko buys his insurance from Flo of Progressive Insurance, who finds him cute. Flo, by the way, is also not her real name, and at one time she and Jake from State Farm were involved romantically before the wife of Jake from State Farm found out about it and issued an ultimatum that he had to choose between Flo and her.
It was after that the GEICO Gecko and Flo got together and Flo revealed to him that her real name wasn’t Flo. Her real name was Rosie O’Donnell.
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Mike The MyPillow Guy
Mike the MyPillow Guy told me in confidence that the truth is he doesn’t sleep on pillows. He finds they give him a stiff neck and backaches which makes him upset and prone to pillow fights. He’s allergic to pillowcases. He doesn’t care for bedsheets either. Or slippers.
If left to his own devices, Mike the MyPillow Guy says that with all his troubles with pillows and bedsheets he would rather sleep standing up like an elephant but Donald Trump told him that would give the Republican Party, with the elephant as its symbol, a bad look and that the Make America Great Again people would think Mike the MyPillow Guy was somehow making fun of elephants and especially Donald Trump. So Trump told him to not sleep.
In fact, Mike the MyPillow Guy doesn’t get much sleep at all these days as he goes around the country barking that the 2020 election was stolen from Trump, that Joe Biden doesn’t know where or who he is, and that Trump’s most bitter enemy now, former Vice President Mike Pence, is a space alien from Mars.
Nevertheless, everyone needs some sleep, even Mike the MyPillow Guy, so when he’s not hawking his pillows on TV, offering his “personal guarantee” that his pillow will be the most comfortable pillow you’ve ever had, he catches 40 winks in the back seat of the minivan that Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is driving to their next MAGA rally with “definite proof” that the Democrats are engaged in a “dastardly plot” to have the entire population of Mexico come running across the U.S. border to “steal all the jobs from hard-working real Americans.”
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The Face of Oatmeal Man on the Quaker Oats Box
The fellow pictured in the TV commercial on the Quaker Oats box had a life-long dream to become an actual Quaker. But the real-life Quakers told him to forget about it because they found it too crass and unbiblical that he was allowing his face to appear in a commercial.
Judging from his sly look on the Quaker Oats box, Oatmeal Man seems to be sowing some wild oats himself like there’s something up his bib we don’t know about.
Rumor has it that Oatmeal Man, Flo from Progressive Insurance, and Jake from State Farm are working out a deal with the GEICO Gecko to all-star in a commercial for their own new insurance company. And if they need any pillows to lie on when taking commercial breaks, Mike the MyPillow Guy is offering them a special deal–two pillows for the price of one. And he’ll even throw in free bedsheets.