As Economy Goes Down, Prostitutes Don’t

NEVADA – It’s no secret that the U.S. economy is not in the best of shape. Between the sub-prime mortgage crisis, the credit crunch, the soaring price of oil and the weak dollar, times are tough and getting tougher all the time.

But until now it’s only affected us in minor ways, a foreclosed home here, a family unable to afford gasoline and groceries there, maybe the occasional collapse of the automotive and financial industries. Nothing to get your panties in a twist over. But now the stalled economy is hitting us Americans where we live: our brothels.

According to Newsweek.com the Nevada Brothel Owners’ Association is reporting a record drop in business with revenue down by a whopping 45 percent.

The world’s oldest profession has thrived throughout history, in good times and bad, because there is always demand for a good screw. So such flaccid sales figures can only be explained by potential customers getting screwed elsewhere, in this case at the pump.

“Some of these brothels are out in the middle of nowhere so fuel prices have an effect,” explains Dennis Hof, proprietor of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and winner of the 1997 Western Regional Mr. Clean lookalike contest.

This cannot be allowed to continue. Prostitutes provide an invaluable service to the community by servicing the community. That they should lose their livelihoods is unthinkable. How can we stand by as they are reduced to not turning tricks, just to survive? We cannot take it lying down that they are no longer taking it lying down.

It is time for action. It is time for us to arouse our righteous indignation and thrust our collective will into the moist, ready orifice we call representative government. Please, write your elected representatives and urge them to support subsidies for the prostitution industry before the bottoms-up business goes belly up. Because otherwise one day many years from now you might just have to explain to your daughter, as you walked by a long abandoned, shuttered brothel, that no, she can’t grow up to be anything she wants to be.

And you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.