All over the nation, Americans are beginning to realize that act of referring to last September's attacks on the World Trade Center twin towers as "9/11" will soon be obsolete. Bracing themselves for the inevitably and harsh realities of an expanding universe and forward-moving time, some have already made the transition to "last year's attacks" or  "9/11/01". 

But that isn't quite good enough for Americans, says Arlen Specter (R-PA). "Everyone should remember that 9/11 was a defining moment in our nation's history. It was so important, being the only uninstigated attack on a sovereign nation during the 20th century, that Americans should be allowed a special way to remember it - and that requires drastic measures. I, as the principle author of this bill, don't think it should be a problem to somehow get the Earth to move at the speed of light in order to stop time so we don't have an annoying appendage to add on to the dignified and emotion-evoking phrase '9/11' for last year's attacks."

Senator James Jeffords (I-VT) agrees. "It's unfair that Americans be forced to start saying awkward things like '9/11 last year', or even worse, recognizing that it's a date and not an event, therefore making the jump to egregiously long phrases like 'the 2001 World Trade Center attacks.' Surely setting up a catapult on the moon and shooting the Earth off at light speed on its regular orbit is a good solution."

Senator Jeffords is referring to the time dilation that affects objects moving close to the speed of light. The closer to c, or 300,000 km/s is a body, the slower time is from its perspective. Getting the planet to travel closer to that speed would therefore substantially slow down the passage of time on earth, giving Americans much more time to enjoy inhibited use of "9/11", as the next September 11 will be much further way. 

When told the moon wasn't massive enough to support the full weight of the Earth, nor is there any way to build a catapult that large, or place the Earth on it once built, several members of Congress rebounded with alternative plans. Joseph Lieberman (D-CT) noted, "It's really easy, actually. All we have to do is have everyone on Earth run toward Connecticut (eastwards) at the same time. This means the Earth will start rolling like a big hamster wheel, and once you've seen one of those going real fast, there's no doubting it would be pretty easy, in my estimate, to approach 300,000 km/s."

"Well, some of these plans are nice, but a definite way to get the Earth moving at the requisite speed would be to hire out Superman and get him to push the Earth along its orbit at the speed of light," said Senator Richard Shelby (R-AL). "Sure, there might be some problems with the Earth's orbiting the Sun while its mass is increased immensely by its travelling close to the speed of light, but come on...this is Superman! And we're not so dumb as to propose that just turning the Earth in the opposite direction, so it spins backwards will reverse time. I think someone already tried that anyways."

Some senators were also disquieted about the apparent misuse of "September 11" when used to describe other events. For example, "McCain was blabbing on about how some place called Catalonia or something lost its freedom to Spain, like in the 18th century. He was tough, because he was a P.O.W. and all, but he sure looked goofy-as-hell after he'd been given a swirly by me and Thad. He's just screwy, I mean, isn't Catalonia a salad dressing?" said Trent Lott (R-MS). "And then, he started on, AGAIN about how Augustine Pinochet took over Chile in a US-backed armed coup on September 11, 1973. I think it's safe to say he's not going to mention that anymore, after the Indian burn I left on his right arm."

There is definite support to include a "make-sure you're referring to America when you mention '9/11' " clause in the bill. Trent Lott observed, "Everyone knows 'September 11th' means '9/11' which means 'terrorist attacks on the US last year', but this bill is just a way to keep everyone assured of this fact, and also, to stop the passage of time, though, unfortunately, the laws of thermodynamics dictate we can't hold it off forever. But as Americans, it's out God-given duty to try. In fact, I have a plan which supports vendible vouchers for God-given duties...but that's another story.