It seems there was one or more small clerical error(s) in our last edition. Please note the following corrections:

Last week we reported that Jerry Falwell declared Masturbation an act of murder. He wished we further add that "menstruation is murder, not because the process itself murders any potential life, but because women suffering from menstruation are three times more likely to commit homicide.
Falwell further plans to announce a program to implant caviar in woman's uterus in his fight for a "not a single sperm wasted" policy. Though this will result in a race of billions of slithery christian fishmen who can't walk on land due to their fins, yet will be useless in the water as they will surely lack gills. But at least they can be baptized before they die horrible suffocating deaths (due to mass-bone structure discrepencies, if not lynch mobs).
It is further important that Jerry Falwell's, "Masturbation is Murder", should not to be confused with a past article "Murder is Masturbation, The Life and Times of Saddam Hussein".
Falwell also inaccurately claimed that women do not masturbate. After extensive study through our network of hacked webcams, Glossy News has learned that women do indeed "pet their pussy" on a somewhat regular basis, at least while reading Glossy News. This also explains why so many readers complain of sticky keys.

It was reported that Merryl Lynch had put a sell rating on a stock. Merril Lynch hurridly retracts "sell" rating, citing the "company's internal discrepencies" (i.e. someone just got canned for this one) as the sole cause of the blunder. The announcement immediately sent the Funky Music stock reeling to a decade-high of 4 cents per share, a figure deemed unattainable since the dying days of baggy pants and bangles the size of Vatican City... whatever this means.

We presented an article about how Ginkgo doesn't improve something, I forget. In fact, we'd never done any clinical trials, nor research of any kind. We did, however, strongly imply that Ginko did not improve memory. The following is a quote from our staff researcher. "Well, for the sake of science, and because I lost my goddammed car keys again, I just took 3 months supply an hour ago, and it seems to be working. I found the keys (under the Time magazine), then I found my wallet (second from top dresser drawer, under dress socks). Just like my grandma used to say, "If you don’t remember where you’d been, you’ll forget where you’re a goin'." Good ol grandma, said that October 24th 1972, two days after my birthday. WOW, how did I remember that? She was wearing a green, yellow plaid top with 7 buttons. This stuff works great! Sure, my piss will smell like a discount spice-rack for a few weeks, but this is incredible! Then Uncle Joe came over with his grey hat and his penis that curved to the left... Wait, how did I know... Oh my gentle Jesus... That's why uncle Joe had to go away... that's why he was killed in prison... It all makes sense now. I never remembered that until now! OH THE PAIN! OH THE HORRIBLE MEMORIES!"

Also last week we altered a headline in error. When we printed Dubbya sleeps well at night we were correct that he sleeps well, but during his month long hiatus, he does not sleep during the night time. Top White House officials wished to inform us that the president does sleep very well during the early afternoon and well in to the evening, having received generous monetary and, er, pharmiceutical contributions towards his cause.

Best we can tell everything else is true, accurate and chock full of wisdom.