VATICAN CITY- Allegations arose today as some parents of affected children have come out and told reporters about the lack of abuse shown to their children, directly correlated to Pope Francis.

“When he kisses them, it’s on their forehead, and always followed by a blessing or a prayer,” says one Catholic watchdog reporter. “It’s unlike anything we have ever seen before. Benedict at least had that Nazi youth look in his eye when he was around children, with this guy, there’s nothing.” Read the full story

Paris and Washington have become embroiled in scandal after a set of romantic correspondences between presidents Francois Hollande and Barack Obama were leaked to the press.

The letters detail a passionate, and at times even steamy fusion of love across the Atlantic, the softer moments balanced with lamentations over politics, life, and tapioca pudding.

In a message dating January 17, Hollande writes:

Oui, oui, you devilishly strong black man. Your gun control makes me say oui, although there should be guns between us. But just two.

On January 31, Obama responds:

Franci your balding head and luminous brain are a brilliant testament to progress in this bigot-full, conservative world. Let us run to Haiti, where I shall bathe forever in the unwashed fumes of your arms, each deodorant-free minute like a drop from Heaven.

In Obama’s letter reporters also found a picture of the two world leaders cuddling in the Oval Office, with a caption by America’s leader reading, “You make me want to be a real socialist.”

Reactions to the romantic exchanges have been mixed. Ted Haggard admitted he was troubled after getting news of the relationship, but feels it is something that needs to be accepted. “What really matters is that they are strong, presumably bisexual men,” he said.

Speaking on behalf of the Tea Party, Sarah Palin noted that “Obama’s romance with another socialist president is a direct threat to Israel’s national security. It is time the Republican House votes to remove him from office.”

The White House offered no comment, falling in line with the Élysée Palace response to press inquiries.

Sources say Michelle Obama is furious, however.

MIT has become embroiled in a massive academic scandal after the discovery that one of its PhD students’ thesis utilized Yahoo Answers as a source.

Although details are still murky, sources inside the university claim PhD candidate Phillip Kwon inserted the citation as the 84th footnote for his doctoral thesis on Intermolecular Transpiration, which he defended before a committee last spring. Read the full story

Egypt’s young people are outraged following President Mohammed Morsi’s announcement that he is “Too cool for school.”

Morsi reportedly made the declaration before a crowd of fifth graders during a school visit in the Cairo suburbs meant to promote Egypt’s new constitution.

As the students reeled in surprise, the president proceeded to don a sombrero and dance out of the building while waving the peace sign. Read the full story

WASHINGTON D.C. – National Public Radio came under attack from various sections of the mainstream media Tuesday, after its scheduled coverage of the ongoing General David Petreaus affair was bizarrely interrupted by an in-depth report on the most recent and non-news-worthy slaughter in Syria.

Insisting that NPR “ignored its duty to prioritize information that was very much in the public interest”, a spokesperson for CNN said that “it was extremely irresponsible (of NPR) to give violence in Damascus such overwhelming attention at the expense of letting the American people know how one of our most decorated generals cheated on his wife of 38 years.” Read the full story

Paula Broadwell and Rielle Hunter will be starting an exclusive club calling it “Groucars”. The name is a portmanteau of Groupie and Cougar. Membership is restricted to women in their 40’s with a hankering for older guys holding high governmental positions.

Paula was “embedded” in Afghanistan with General Petraeus for a year between July 2010 and 2011. In her free time she wrote a biography of Mr. Petraeus and titled her book, “All In: The Education of General David Petraeus”. Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – Washington D.C.- After many years of speculation, allegations arose concerning the Presidents abuse of Hope. While sources closest to the president could not confirm or deny these allegations, some senior level advisers have come forward with their suspicions.

“Sometimes, he just sits at the desk, dreaming of a brighter tomorrow,” says Senior adviser David Axlerod. Read the full story

Last week the big news for the 2012 presidential election was the worse-than-expected performance of President Obama in his match-up with former Governor, and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Although Obama was able to firmly demonstrate that he did have a pulse, little else was evident from his reaction to the many contradictory statements made by his opponent.

That debate was the big match on the ticket for all debates in this election cycle and the undercard of the vice-presidential debate would not normally warrant much attention. Both of the vice-presidential candidates offer something unique to this cycle, one locked into a conservative mantra that leaves out all but the upper 1%, and one who can’t seem to keep his foot out of his mouth whenever the spotlight is shined upon him. Read the full story

An appeal has been made to the IOC to strip British runner Mo Farah of his gold medal as accusations of cheating sore higher than the elation of the athlete.

Mo Farah became the first British athlete to win a gold medal in distance running but Ethopian 5000m silver medallist, Dejen Gebremeskel and Kenyan 5000m Bronze medallist, Thomas Pkemei Longosiwa have called into question the legitimate acquisition of the Olympic gold given that the 80,000 strong crowd was cheering Farah and not them. Read the full story

It’s been an extremely slow month for news with nothing interesting going on. I’ve heard things about a big sporting event taking place in London, an upcoming Presidential election, talks of some new third-world countries developing nuclear weapons, groups of people in Syria being profoundly grumpy, reports of Charlie Sheen being really, really stoned and paying more and more for sex, something about unemployment and gas prices, a bunch of protests going on in regards to random things  and complaints about published writers using too many run-on sentences but it’s been very difficult to find something interesting and relevant to write about so I had to do some serious digging in order to beat a strict deadline imposed by the tyrannous senior executives at Glossynews.com. Read the full story

In what can only be described as a doubly penetrating scandal, pictures have now emerged of an exposed Boehner. According to a source close to Boehner, the politician is currently involved in a scandal involving emails sent to a 68-year-old male resident of the Phillipines, named Ping Tong. Read the full story

Today, the front office of the Pittsburgh Pirates made a formal apology to Major League Baseball and all of its fans for having such a successful 2011 season so far.

“We’re ashamed to say that, this year, we haven’t done a good job sticking to our reputation of finishing in last place in the division,” manager Clint Hurdle said in a press conference. Read the full story

The scandal involving Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World is spreading to Murdoch’s other holdings and some say it could spell doom for his News Corporation empire.

Realizing immediately that his newspaper apology was doing nothing to quell the anger rising exponentially across the globe against himself and his clan, the media mogul decided it was time to bring out the big guns to fight the onslaught of criticism.

Murdoch has reportedly bought 1,000 adorable puppies of some of the cutest breeds around, including English Bulldogs, Yorkshire Terriers, and Shih Tzus, and he has personally taken it upon himself to pass the puppies out at news conferences to his accusers. Read the full story

BURLINGTON, VT—Yesterday, neighborhood cat, Nella Watson, revealed that she’s finally on the road to recovery after a long battle with Catnip Abuse.

When asked what started her addiction to what’s colloquially referred to as “Nip” in the Feline community, Nella claims that being held like a prisoner in her own home led her down the path of abuse and Nip addiction. Read the full story

LOS ANGELES, CALIF – Charlie Sheen paraphernalia has exploded onto the American public since the actor’s Two and a Half Men firing and interview antics, featuring such memorable quotes as “I have tiger’s blood,” and “I’m an F-18, bro!”

Now online merchandisers are offering Charlie Sheen bumper stickers, t-shirts, book bags, and keychains. Reportedly, an artificial insemination service now features “Adonis semen,” while a Russion wife-finding service has started offering “goddess pairs” at a 10% discount. Read the full story

NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — Jon Stewart is allegedly being blackmailed by one of The Daily Show’s employees over allegations that in the 90’s, Stewart was a man whore. The information about this closely guarded secret came to light when the employee was asked to dig up some information about Stewart’s “date” with Jennifer Anniston over ten years ago in New York City. Anniston was recently a guest on Stewart’s show and the date came up in conversation. Read the full story