Tag Archive | "scandal"

IRS Commissioner Gollum Gets Grilled by Congress About His Precious Agency


Washington D.C. – This week has not been kind to Gollum and his “precious” agency, the Internal Revenge Service, as the creature has been on the hot seat having to answer for the mysterious disappearance of Lois Lerner’s relevant emails. Read the full story

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obamymorons! (They’re not what you think!)


Announcer: Today’s guest on “Yucky World” will be noted political consultant and lexicologist W.C. “Scoop” Pooper. He will be discussing a new political term, Obamymoron, with our talk show hosts Dick and Janey.

Janey: Welcome, Scoop.

Dick: Hey, what’s the latest poop, Scoop? Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Scoop: Well, President Obama has finally stepped in it this time with the Sergeant Bergdahl trade!

Dick: I’m not surprised. That’s what happens when you lead with your bee-hind.

Janey: Please, Dick! What’s an Obamymoron, Scoop?

Scoop: It’s when people realize that what you said or did contradicts reality.

Dick: Like Bergdahl was so near death that the President didn’t have time to consult Congress?

Scoop: Right!

Dick: Then “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” would also be an Obamymoron?

Scoop: Absolutely! But it doesn’t have to be something President Obama said or did.

Janey: How about “Read my lips! No new taxes”?

Scoop: Exactly! Obamymorons can be bi-partisan!

Dick: What about Susan Rice saying Bergdahl was “captured on the battlefield” and “served the United States with honor and distinction”?

Scoop: That’s a double Obamymoron. Those are hard to do!

Dick: Not for Rice. Don’t forget her Obamymoron that the attack in Benghazi started out as a protest over a video.

Janey: I’m a little concerned that some people might think the term Obamymoron is racist.

Scoop: You know, it’s really just a play on the word oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp”. Obamymorons are very similar to oxymorons; they both have built-in contradictions!

Dick: And no one’s ever said that using the term oxymoron meant a person was prejudiced against oxen.

Janey: Ri-i-ght, Dick. But why pick on Obama?

Scoop: Because he’s so easy. Remember when Obama said he was against presidential signing statements being attached to bills and that his administration would be the most transparent ever?

Dick: Obamymorons!

Janey: But sometimes reality is different from what you expected.

Scoop: Yeah! And when reality gets in the way of transparency, and Bush can’t be blamed, you can always crash Lois Lerner’s IRS computer!

Dick: Look at the President’s goal of equal pay for men and women. The problem was, for Obama’s White House staff, women only earned 88% of what men did!

Scoop: Obamymoron!

Dick: How about “I did not have sexual relations with that woman Monica Lewinsky”?

Scoop: Doink! That’s not an Obamymoron!

Dick: Doink! Huh?

Janey: Clinton had sex with her, Dick, not sexual relations.

Dick: I’m confused.

Janey: About sex? I’m not surprised.

Scoop: Clinton was being a lawyer and parsing words.

Janey: Speaking of parsing words, our sponsors have just sent us an email indicating that they would like to have an Obamymoron contest.

Dick: Just email your Obamymorons to us here at the station.

Scoop: Will there be prizes?

Dick: Everyone who enters is guaranteed a free IRS audit!

Scoop: What about special prizes for the best responses?

Janey: For second place, your audit will be conducted in the Rose Garden.

Dick: And you will get a free beer compliments of the President.

Scoop: I’m afraid to ask what first place wins.

Dick: A one week all expenses paid vacation to Qatar where you will stay with the Taliban Five at their safe house.

Janey: Wouldn’t a Taliban safe house be a…

Scoop: Yes! …An oxymoronic Obamymoron!!

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President Obama Vows to Punish the Guilty in VA Scandal, Unless They Happen to be Federal Workers


Washington, D.C. – President Obama sternly admitted that no one in the country is more outraged than he over the news coming out of the VA scandal in which numerous veterans have lost their lives waiting for medical care. Nobody bought it, of course, but he still said it.

What the President meant to say was that if any of those responsible for denying care to veterans worked in the private sector, they would be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Read the full story

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Bridge-gate? Mayor Cokeford? Fuggedaboutit, eh?


Most political scandals in America have a Washington connection. Think Watergate, Abscam, Iran-Contra and Clinton-Lewinsky. In the case of the maelstrom surrounding Chris Christie, however, the Washington connection happens to be the George Washington Bridge spanning New Jersey and Manhattan.

For those who might have been out of the country or trapped in traffic on said bridge, Governor Christie is in hot water because his staffers arranged a traffic tie-up on the GWB last September in retaliation for the lack of a reelection endorsement from Fort Lee’s Democratic Mayor Mark Sokolich. Read the full story

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Torontonians say Mayor Rob Ford’s Scandals make their City too Interesting


Dateline: TORONTO—Toronto’s citizens are mortified by the world’s mockery of their Mayor Rob Ford for his many scandals, such as his admitting to having smoked crack cocaine while in office, because they fear Toronto will lose its status as the world’s most boring big city.

“We just want everything to go back the way it was,” said one Torontonian, “when no one cared about Toronto. We just want to fly under the world’s radar so we can keep living in quiet desperation. Is that too much to ask? To not have a crazy circus come to town, so I can get on with wasting my life? Read the full story

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New NSA Allegations Surround Facebook Number Game


You may have noticed a recent Facebook game on your newsfeed lately where friends assign each other numbers to reveal not so random facts about each other.

It may have seemed harmless enough admitting that your favorite food is chocolate or that you usually watch Duck Dynasty in the nude, but new allegations are coming forth about the game being linked to the Obama Administration and the NSA’s secret wiretapping scandal. Read the full story

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UK Taco Bell found to contain horse meat; Customers call it “vast improvement”


Following the release of information claiming several UK Taco Bell locations have been serving unregulated horse meat, customers are rejoicing in the scandal.

Calling the new burrito filler a “vast improvement” over the previous sawdust laden beef concoction, which in early 2011 led to a lawsuit attempting to ban the fast food chain from labeling their beef blend (containing only 36% actual beef) as meat. Read the full story

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Scandal: Obama Admits Pansexual Affair


WASHINGTON – Tears and beers were the currency in the West Wing as news broke that President Barack Obama confessed to a “torrid and greasy” pansexual affair.

Obama could scarcely hold back the tears as he recounted to the press details of his many intimate encounters with a Cuisinart 2000 frying pan during the period of October 2011 to January 2013, when he finally was enough relieved by entering into a second term and broke off the relationship. Describing the affair Obama said: Read the full story

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Student Not Traumatized After Sex With Teacher


15-year-old Josh Hanby claims he was not at all traumatized after having sex with his 27-year-old French Teacher Ms. Elaine Francois and actually seemed to enjoy the experience.

“Man, it was fricking great!” Hanby stated. “She’s smokin hot! I’d do her again if she wasn’t locked up!”

Despite Hanby’s obvious enjoyment of the experience, law enforcement personnel were notified and Ms Francois has been arrested for statutory rape of a person under 16. If convicted she faces a minimum of 5 years behind bars and will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of her life.

Police say that on April 13 of this year Hanby stopped off at Ms Francois residence for some “private tutoring” in French. During the tutoring session Hanby made mention of the size of Ms Francois’ breasts and put his hand on her thigh. Things quickly escalated out of control until the two engaged in a torrid act of copulation.

Hanby’s father said he didn’t think Ms. Francois should be incarcerated. “That boy has not stopped smiling since it happened!” the father declared. “His grades are going up, he’s more attentive at school, he’s participating in sports and he’s the envy of all his friends!”

Psychologists have determined that regardless of the young man’s initial experience, he will suffer trauma later in life. “Sex at such a young age could result in psychosis, hallucinations and a host of psychological problems”, said childhood psychologist Barry Carne. “To maintain good mental health a child should remain a virgin until at least 17”.

Meanwhile, the young Hanby has started dating 16-year-old cheerleader Vanessa Bertalucci. “Now if I get laid it will be legal. At least until she turns 18”, the young man stated.

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IRS Insists Scandal More of a Misunderstanding


Unlike on Wall Street, gross incompetence has resulted in heads actually rolling at the IRS. It’s not that they’re bad people, even though obviously they are, but that they got caught in a scandal even they don’t know how to diffuse.

“Dude, I’m just a file clerk,” said man name-unknown, who we accosted outside the building during the lunch hour. Clearly he knew something, but he wasn’t willing to talk.

Jakob Marjary, a senior auditor who requested we keep his name anonymous, but whose request was denied, explained from the lavish $55 million dollar retreat in Fiji that “basically, all these jackasses who were trying to not pay taxes in the name of not paying taxes? Yeah, we targeted them. I mean, get real, they’re anti-tax people and we’re literally the tax people.” Read the full story

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Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately


VATICAN CITY- Allegations arose today as some parents of affected children have come out and told reporters about the lack of abuse shown to their children, directly correlated to Pope Francis.

“When he kisses them, it’s on their forehead, and always followed by a blessing or a prayer,” says one Catholic watchdog reporter. “It’s unlike anything we have ever seen before. Benedict at least had that Nazi youth look in his eye when he was around children, with this guy, there’s nothing.” Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (6)

Scandal: Obama-Hollande Love Affair Leaked


Paris and Washington have become embroiled in scandal after a set of romantic correspondences between presidents Francois Hollande and Barack Obama were leaked to the press.

The letters detail a passionate, and at times even steamy fusion of love across the Atlantic, the softer moments balanced with lamentations over politics, life, and tapioca pudding.

In a message dating January 17, Hollande writes:

Oui, oui, you devilishly strong black man. Your gun control makes me say oui, although there should be guns between us. But just two.

On January 31, Obama responds:

Franci your balding head and luminous brain are a brilliant testament to progress in this bigot-full, conservative world. Let us run to Haiti, where I shall bathe forever in the unwashed fumes of your arms, each deodorant-free minute like a drop from Heaven.

In Obama’s letter reporters also found a picture of the two world leaders cuddling in the Oval Office, with a caption by America’s leader reading, “You make me want to be a real socialist.”

Reactions to the romantic exchanges have been mixed. Ted Haggard admitted he was troubled after getting news of the relationship, but feels it is something that needs to be accepted. “What really matters is that they are strong, presumably bisexual men,” he said.

Speaking on behalf of the Tea Party, Sarah Palin noted that “Obama’s romance with another socialist president is a direct threat to Israel’s national security. It is time the Republican House votes to remove him from office.”

The White House offered no comment, falling in line with the Élysée Palace response to press inquiries.

Sources say Michelle Obama is furious, however.

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PhD Thesis Lists “Yahoo Answers” as Source


MIT has become embroiled in a massive academic scandal after the discovery that one of its PhD students’ thesis utilized Yahoo Answers as a source.

Although details are still murky, sources inside the university claim PhD candidate Phillip Kwon inserted the citation as the 84th footnote for his doctoral thesis on Intermolecular Transpiration, which he defended before a committee last spring. Read the full story

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Posted in Education, EnvironmentComments (3)

Egyptian President Says He is “Too Cool for School”


Egypt’s young people are outraged following President Mohammed Morsi’s announcement that he is “Too cool for school.”

Morsi reportedly made the declaration before a crowd of fifth graders during a school visit in the Cairo suburbs meant to promote Egypt’s new constitution.

As the students reeled in surprise, the president proceeded to don a sombrero and dance out of the building while waving the peace sign. Read the full story

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NPR Coverage of Petraeus Affair Interrupted by Annoying, Irrelevant Report on Syria Slaughter


WASHINGTON D.C. – National Public Radio came under attack from various sections of the mainstream media Tuesday, after its scheduled coverage of the ongoing General David Petreaus affair was bizarrely interrupted by an in-depth report on the most recent and non-news-worthy slaughter in Syria.

Insisting that NPR “ignored its duty to prioritize information that was very much in the public interest”, a spokesperson for CNN said that “it was extremely irresponsible (of NPR) to give violence in Damascus such overwhelming attention at the expense of letting the American people know how one of our most decorated generals cheated on his wife of 38 years.” Read the full story

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A Date w/ Petraeus: You’re either “All In or All Out”


Paula Broadwell and Rielle Hunter will be starting an exclusive club calling it “Groucars”. The name is a portmanteau of Groupie and Cougar. Membership is restricted to women in their 40’s with a hankering for older guys holding high governmental positions.

Paula was “embedded” in Afghanistan with General Petraeus for a year between July 2010 and 2011. In her free time she wrote a biography of Mr. Petraeus and titled her book, “All In: The Education of General David Petraeus”. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & MiscComments (4)

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