Tag Archive | "republican"

The United States of Corporate America


SANDPOINT, Idaho (GLossyNews) — In a bold statement today, a jubilant Sarah Palin announced her plans to rename our country. “We live in a great country. And if we want to see things get done, if we want to support our economy, we need to recognize who the real leaders are. It’s not our government, it’s our country’s corporations that really make our country great. In honor of all the great businesses of America, I propose we rename our country, “The United States of Corporate America.”

GOP representatives all across the country have denied any knowledge of Palin’s proposal, but one spokesperson close to Palin, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, stated that drafts of this proposal have already been introduced in Senate and House subcommittees. Read the full story

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GOP Takes Issue with Democrats Breathing In or Out


RICHMOND, Virginia (GlossyNews) — In a statement today endorsed by Republicans in both the Senate and the House, the entire Republican party has taken issue with the breathing patterns of Democrats.

“We feel that once again the Democrats are flip-flopping on important issues including which way to breathe,” said Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele. Read the full story

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Boehner Boned – Sources Report Complete Liver Failure


Dayton, OH – John Boehner, the house minority leader, except inasmuch as he’s never represented a minority, is suffering from advanced liver disease, according to a medical billing rep at his primary care doctor’s office in Dayton, Ohio. This is apparently the cause of his orange hue, not the spray-on tanning alleged by his detractors. Read the full story

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GOP Prepares Mother Ship in Wake of Healthcare Bill


Roswell, NM (GlossyNews) — The Right Wing leaders in the US House and Senate have declared they are preparing their Mother Ship to return to wherever they came from now that Obama’s health care plan was passed into law.

“We came here over two hundred years ago with one mission,” announced a bleak Mitch McConnell, flanked by the rest of the conservative leadership, “to rip apart the social fabric of the United States, to keep the downtrodden under the jack boot of oppression, to slice and dice humanity and pit the slices against each other for political gain, Read the full story

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Real Republicans Angry Over Obama’s Gay Rights Initiative


Boston, Mass (GlossyNews) — “Beautiful on the Outside Couple,” Kaitlin Greely and Jonas Applebee, are all over Facebook, Twitter and cell phone networks these days. They are trying to let as many people as possible know they are furious over Obama’s latest move toward gay rights in the US that grants hospital visitation rights to gay couples.

In a recent interview with the couple, Applebee, who looks like he stepped off an Abercrombie and Fitch magazine cover, Read the full story

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Second Dumbest Man on Earth Ghost Writes Bush Memoir


Odessa, TX (GlossyNews) — Larry Kones, known as the Second Dumbest Man on Earth, has completed the memoir of the presidency of George W. Bush hitting the discount bins at bookstores nationwide on November 9. Ghost writer Kones was chosen from a pool of candidates known for their breathtaking lack of intelligence. A few of the runners-up were a worm, a piece of corn, a glass of water and a pickle. But Kones won out because of his impressive resume that includes lengthy stints as a hanger untangler for Goodwill, skyhook operator, professional snipe wrangler and his efficient “hunt and peck” typing style. Read the full story

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Obama Sends Sarah Palin on Secret Mission


Camp David (GlossyNews) — President Obama has promised to grant Sarah Palin her biggest wish ever -an inkling of credibility- if she can locate the most wanted man in the world, Osama bin Laden, and bring back his walking cane.

The ‘secret’ mission dubbed by Democrats as the ‘Bimbo in Limbo’ is a way to show that President Obama is willing to work with Palin, while allowing her to do something productive besides running her mouth. Palin, however, still plans to feed her fans inflammatory statements via Twitter during the entire process. Read the full story

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Tom Tancredo’s Teen Traveling Companion Shot Dead in Georgia Convenience Store


DENVER, Colorado — As an advocate for eugenics, former Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo is hardly a trailblazer. He follows in the footsteps of pioneers such as Strom Thurmond, George Wallace and David Duke. But what Tancredo lacks in originality, he makes up for in spirit. Read the full story

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Gov Sanford Takes Leave After SC House Censure


Columbia, SC (GlossyNews) — Governor Mark Sanford was censured Wednesday for his inappropriate behavior and th disgrace, shame and dishonor he has brought to the Office of Governor of South Carolina during his sordid affair with an Argentine woman. Sanford lied to his staff and the public as to his whereabouts, left the state and the country without notifying his staff, and possibly compromised US security with liaisons with a foreign person — an action that has led to the loss of security clearances and jobs to regular workers and military personnel. The house censure said Sanford should “hang his head in shame and disgrace and be thankful that we didn’t live in a time when men could have their johnsons amputated for such actions.” Read the full story

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GOP Officially Declares Moral Bankruptcy


Washington DC – Long accused of being morally corrupt by most of their critics, the GOP today filed papers in Federal court declaring moral bankruptcy to the nth degree.

Wiping back what looked to be actual tears, Senator Lindsey Graham presented judges with the legal papers to be filed. Supporting him were The Arnold, governator from CA, and Senators Arlen Specter, PA and John McCain, AZ, bringing up the rear. Read the full story

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